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Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Exposing Children to Bad News (From: Sisters, By:Rafeeah Laher)

Exposing Children to Bad News (From: Sisters, By:Rafeeah Laher)
http://www.sisters-magazine.com/index.php?route=articles/articles&articles_id=281

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.She is the author of, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Order her e-book or Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://shop.grandmajeddah.com/  and  http://www.grandmajeddah.com/subscribe-page.html

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

What is Child Physical Abuse? (By Grandma Jeddah)

What is Child Physical Abuse?
By Grandma Jeddah
http://blog.islamiconlineuniversity.com/what-is-child-physical-abuse/

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.She is the author of, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Order her e-book or Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://shop.grandmajeddah.com/  and  http://www.grandmajeddah.com/subscribe-page.html

Monday, March 16, 2015

March is Developmental Disabilities Awareness Month

March is Developmental Disabilities Awareness Month
Learn more about intellectual disabilities (mental Retardation)
http://www.thearc.org/

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.She is the author of, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Order her e-book or Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://shop.grandmajeddah.com/  and  http://www.grandmajeddah.com/subscribe-page.html

Monday, March 9, 2015

No Bad Kids - Toddler Discipline Without Shame (9 Guidelines)

No Bad Kids - Toddler Discipline Without Shame (9 Guidelines)
http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.She is the author of, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Order her e-book or Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://shop.grandmajeddah.com/  and  http://www.grandmajeddah.com/subscribe-page.html

Monday, March 2, 2015

Top 10 Ways to Discipline without Spanking (tolovehonorandvacuum.com/)

Top 10 Ways to Discipline without Spanking (tolovehonorandvacuum.com/)
 http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/02/discipline-without-spanking/

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.She is the author of, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Order her e-book or Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://shop.grandmajeddah.com/  and  http://www.grandmajeddah.com/subscribe-page.html

Friday, February 27, 2015

8 Tips to Taming Your Muslim Child's Temper (FREE e-book Written by Grandma Jeddah)

16-Point Star: Grandma Jeddah’s Library 





Summit Garden Press
Los Angeles, California


8 Tips to Taming 
Your Muslim Child’s Temper
By
Grandma Jeddah


Make Obeying Easier . . .Make Discipline Simpler! 



This is a free e-Book.  It is not to be sold.  If you find value in this e-Book, you may save it to your computer and offer it to friends and family.  You may also offer it as a download from your site.  Posts on your favorite social networking sites are welcomed.



The information provided in this book is intended for educational development. We are not liable for any negative consequences incurred as a result of implementing the contents of this book.
This book is not a replacement for advice by a licensed health professional. If your child has severe emotional or behavioral problems, seek health providers such as your personal physician, psychologist, psychiatrist, clinical worker or social worker. 
In addition, keep your children in your supplications.  According to hadith, The Prophet (saw) used to say the following supplication for his two grandsons, Hassan and Hussein:
أُعِيذُكَ بِكَلِمَاتِ اللهِ التَّامَّةِ مِن كُلِّ شَيطَانٍ وَهَامَّة ، وَمِن كُلِّ عَينٍ لَامَّةٍ
"A’oodhu bi kalimaat Allah al-taammah min kulli shaytaanin wa haammah wa min kulli ‘aynin laammah’”
 (I seek refuge in the perfect words of Allah, from every devil and every poisonous reptile, and from every evil eye).

(Bukhari, Ahadeeth al-Anbiyaa’, 3120).



TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

Tip# 1: Be a Good Example
Tip# 2: Determine Your Child's Triggers
Tip# 3: Ready to Rest
Tip# 4; Make a Plan
Tip# 5: Water and Aroma Therapy
Tip# 6: Show Your Understanding
Tip# 7: Teach Solutions
Tip# 8: Remember Religion
                  




Introduction

Your Challenging Child
Do you have one of those hard-to-manage kids?  I mean the really challenging ones. Like the four-year-old who stops drops and rolls when you don’t give him a second serving of cookies.  Or the nine-year-old who shouts and stomps through the house like Paul Bunyan through the forest when you tell him he can’t get on the computer because he left his homework at school.

        What is a mother to do when she sees her child is completely on another planet as far as controlling himself is concerned?  And listening to your requests during these emotional outbursts—well . . . let’s not go there.

        But, no---really.  What do you do when you have a child that is prone to temper tantrums?  Well, Grandma Jeddah has eight successful tips on how to tame your child’s temper.




Tip# 1
Be a Good Example

The first tip is to make sure you are a good example of how to deal appropriately with anger.  Ohhhhh. . . booooy, you might be saying to yourself cynically.  But hey, that’s where it starts—with you.  Now that’s not to say that all children who lack self-control have parents who throw tantrums.  What this means is that you are your child’s primary teacher.  They are dependent upon you to show them how to behave.  One of the best ways people learn is by imitating others.  This is where your example becomes extremely important.


Your Interactions with Your Child

One of the key times that your child observes your behavior is when you are interacting with her.  When Jamillah has a rude response to everything you have to say to her, how do you handle her disrespectful behavior?  Do you shout back at her, spitting out hurtful words?  Maybe you lash out at her, smacking her a few times on her face and head to let her know who’s really in charge.  Or perhaps you slam the door as you retreat to your room after a verbal battle with your daughter.
        If your child observes you behaving in such ways when you are upset, she will view these behaviors as acceptable responses during her own periods of rage.  Keep this important point in mind when you’re irritated  and interacting with your child.  Consciously think to yourself, I am my child’s example.


Your Behavior with Others

Other times when your child notices your behavior is when you are interacting with those around you.  When you’re out on the road late for an appointment and trying to get your child to school on time what do you say when a car cuts in front of you?  For many parents the phrases they emit are not gentle to the ear, to put it lightly. Whatever you find yourself saying, know that your child hears it and accepts it as valid if it comes from you.


Disputes with Husband and Wife

You probably already know the next occasion I’m about to bring up.  Yep, that’s right. . . your interactions with your spouse.  This is one of those interactions that your children have a heightened alertness with.  During situations when you and your husband are having differences, how do you handle your disagreements?  Do you fly off the handle venting out abusive words to your husband?  It’s not unheard of for wives to be on the aggressive end physically, either.  Be aware that your children obey your every action, as the saying goes.


Seek Help

If you find that you have a problem controlling your own emotions when you’re upset, take steps to work on this issue.  Being patient during troubling times is not something that can be feigned.  This is a quality that comes with practice and fear of Allah.  Perhaps you can search the internet for information on anger management.  There’s loads of it out there.  Plenty of books from the library or bookstore have information on the subject, as well.  You can also enroll in an anger management class.  Look them up online for your area.


Inspiration from Quran

        Listen to lectures on the rewards and benefits of being patient.  There are numerous ayat in Quran extolling the benefits of being patient:
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ اصْبِرُواْ وَصَابِرُواْ وَرَابِطُواْ وَاتَّقُواْ اللّهَ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ
Ø You who believe! Endure and be more patient . . .” (3:200)



وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُمْ بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوفْ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الأَمَوَالِ وَالأنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ
Ø "And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirun (the patient)".  (2:155)


وَلَمَن صَبَرَ وَغَفَرَ إِنَّ ذَلِكَ لَمِنْ عَزْمِ الْأُمُورِ
Ø "And verily, whosoever shows patience and forgives, that would truly be from the things recommended by Allah.'' (42:43)


يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ اسْتَعِينُواْ بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلاَةِ إِنَّ اللّهَ مَعَ الصَّابِرِينَ
Ø "Seek help in patience and As-Salat (the prayer). Truly, Allah is with As-Sabirun (the patient).'' (2:153)


وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُمْ حَتَّى نَعْلَمَ الْمُجَاهِدِينَ مِنكُمْ وَالصَّابِرِينَ وَنَبْلُوَ أَخْبَارَكُمْ
Ø "And surely, We shall try you till We test those who strive hard (for the Cause of Allah) and As-Sabirun (the patient)'' (47:31)





Hadith on Patience
       
There are many hadith on the blessings of having patience, as well.   One such hadith is the following:
 Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri (ra) reported that: Certain people of the Ansar asked the Messenger of Allah (saw) and he gave to them; then they again asked him and he gave to them until all what he possessed was exhausted. Then the Prophet (saw) said, "Whatever wealth I have, I will not withhold from you. Whosoever would be chaste and modest; Allah will keep him chaste and modest and whosoever would seek self-sufficiency, Allah will make him self-sufficient; and whosoever would be patient, Allah will give him patience, and no one is granted a gift better and more comprehensive than patience".
(Bukhari and Muslim).


Peer Up

Another way to help yourself become more patient is to frequently intermingle with sisters or family members who are known for exhibiting self-control when experiencing difficulties.  By interacting with these types of people, you will pick up their good habits, insha’Allah.


Make Dua

         Remember what the Prophet, (saw) said about how to protect yourself from becoming angry: In his Musnad, Al-Hafiz Abu Ya`la Ahmad bin `Ali bin Al-Muthanna Al-Mawsili reported that Ubayy bin Ka`b said, "Two men disputed with each other in the presence of the Messenger of Allah and the nose of one of them became swollen because of extreme anger. The Messenger of Allah (saw) said,
 (I know of some words that if he said them, what he feels will go away, 'I seek refuge with Allah from the cursed Satan.')''

        Along with the above words, remember in general to ask Allah to help you to get better at being patient.  For Allah is the one who grants patience to whom He wants. 
Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri: The Prophet (saw) said, “. . . Allah will give him patience, and no one is granted a gift better and more comprehensive than patience . . . ."
(Bukhari, Muslim)





Tip# 2
Determine Your Child’s Triggers


Whenever you tell your daughter Jamillah “No,” she blows up.  She just can’t seem to accept that she can’t have her way. Saying “No,” is a trigger for Jamillah.  When she hears it, she starts to boil inside and an explosion is soon to occur.  Use your knowledge of your child’s triggers as a tool to head off a tantrum before it even begins.

        When your child “loses it,” think about what preceded the incident.  Did she get embarrassed or humiliated?  Did she feel like a failure because she didn’t win a game?  Is it almost time for her to do her homework? Knowing your child’s triggers can be an enormous asset for you.  It can allow you to prevent a tantrum before it gets the chance to start. Or it can at least help you prepare for one that is about to begin.




Be Ready

If you know that your child hates to hear “No” from you, then prepare for it. One way to prepare is by giving her an easy “No” whenever possible. 

        If she wants to do her homework after dinner rather than before dinner, instead of giving a clear cut “No,” make her aware that her wish is possible.  She just has to complete half of the work before dinner.  Then she can finish the rest after dinner. An easy “No” makes the refusal more tolerable for the receiver.   When you interact with your child in this fashion, you are being proactive rather than reactive.  When you’re proactive, you have more time to figure out a suitable solution to your child’s potential problem.


Reward Her for the Good Times

        Now you’re about to learn a fantastic tool you can use to help your child manage her temper.  When you know your child is about to encounter a trigger, take notice if she’s making an attempt to control herself.  Acknowledge even the slightest effort she may make at trying to cope with her problem. Let her know that you are aware of her efforts. 

        Give your child rewards to show her you appreciate her effort at trying to manage her behavior.  For instance, your child’s dreaded time for homework has arrived. This period of the day is a trigger for her to start her shouting rampage.  Let her know that you’re pleased with her behavior when she remains silent after you’ve directed her to get started on her work.  The reward might be a star placed on her merit chart. Do the same when she completes her homework. You will find more detailed information on how to develop a merit system as well as other effective discipline methods in Grandma Jeddah’s eBook, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind While at It.

         Rewarding your child for performing her activities she dislikes helps her develop positive feelings about the activity.  In turn, this can prevent a blow up of emotions during later periods when this particular trigger is revisited.

        You must celebrate the moment!  If you know your child is facing one of her triggers but she’s trying to control her outburst, tell her verbally how difficult it must be for her to be so tolerant with such a difficult task at hand.  Pat her on the back. Give her a hug.  Whatever you do, don’t let her good deed go   unacknowledged.


 Mother as Trigger     
 
Did you know that one of your child’s triggers could be you?  That’s right.  Here’s how.  Let’s say your child is weak in math, and you know you’ll have to assist her in completing her math homework for the evening.  You’ve been tending to the baby most of the day, you cleaned the house, and prepared a long, delicious dinner for the family—you’re tired.  You’re not too good at math yourself so you dread having to go over the math book and figure out the evening’s lesson.  How in the world are you supposed to know how many centimeters are in a foot?

        Children are great readers of their parents.  If your stress is written across your face, your child will sense this tension and may react to it by showing her own frustrations.  “Okay.” you might be saying to yourself, “So what am I supposed to do, become a robot?”  Not at all.

        What you could do, though, is get a personal tutor for your child if you know this particular math chapter—or math book—is going to be too much of a challenge for you.  Another option is to get Dad’s help if he’s available.  Maybe arrangements can be made with an older sibling or neighbor to help out with homework.  The point is, try to work out problems so that you aren’t too uptight when you are around your challenging child.

        Certainly there will be times when your anxiety will be visible and you have no solutions at the present time for resolving your troubles.  No problem.  In a calm manner, express to your child that you need a break right now and you won’t be able to assist her at the present time.  This will offer two advantages for your child.  First, she will see that you get frustrated, too, and having that feeling is Okay. Second, she will observe your reserved manner during your time of distress and learn this as a pattern for her own response during troubling times.


Allow Her to Decide

Want to know a fabulous way to help prevent your child from flying off the handle when she’s about to encounter a trigger?  Offer her a choice. 

        You and Jamillah just left a restaurant in the mall.  The two of you had a delicious meal of shrimp fried rice, sweet and sour shrimp and egg flour soup.  You’re in good spirits.  As you browse through the mall something catches Jamillah’s eye.  She spots the kitchen set she’s been asking you for since last Eid.  She yanks your arm and asks if you can get it for her—after all you’re right there at the store.  You’re thinking that you didn’t have the money then and you don’t have it now.  Besides, didn’t you just treat her to a delicious lunch at the Chinese restaurant?  You want to tell her she’s never satisfied, but you catch yourself.  You know Jamillah dislikes the word “No.”  And you definitely don’t want a scene in the mall. 

        “That’s really a nice kitchen set,” you tell her.  “Now I see why you’ve wanted one so much. Do you want me to get it for you if you get good grades on your report card next reporting period of for next Eid, insha’Allah?”  Take the conversation down a similar road.

        Or perhaps there’s a third option she can select from: “You know, I think Sister Aliyya’s daughter is selling her kitchen set.  It looks like new.  Would you like me to check to see if she’s still selling it? That way you could get one sooner, insha’Allah.”

        As you can see, learning how to manage your child’s triggers is an art.  As with any skill, practice makes perfect. 


  
Tip# 3
Ready to Rest

Getting the proper amount of sleep has increasingly become an important aspect of good health.  While we often consider sleep to be a “passive” activity, sufficient sleep is increasingly being recognized as an essential aspect of health promotion . . .1 explains a report from the Centers for Disease Control.    Lack of proper sleep can affect your child’s emotional as well as mental and physical wellbeing.

        Lack of sleep has been known to cause depression in those who don’t get enough rest.2  A depressed child can show increased signs of anger and hostility.  They are also more likely to be irritable.   Excessive anger, hostility and irritability can lead to an increase in tantrums and loss of self-control.

        Ensuring your child gets enough sleep is one key factor in helping her control her temper.
        According to the National Sleep Foundation, children should receive the following hours of sleep per day:3



NEWBORNS
(0–2 months)
12–18 hours
INFANTS
(3–11 months)
 14–15 hours
TODDLERS
(1–3 years)
12–14 hours
PRESCHOOLERS
(3–5 years)
11–13 hours
SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN
(5–10 years)
10–11 hours
TEENS
(10–17)
8.5–9.25 hours
ADULTS

7–9 hours
       

Late Night Homework

        For older school-age children, completing late night homework is often a culprit in your child getting to sleep past bedtime.  Schedule a time period for homework to begin well before bedtime.  Your child may need a break if the work is heavy.  Keep this in mind when organizing your child’s schedule. There may be times when there’s no choice but to extend the work into after bedtime hours.  In such cases, be ready to accept the consequences of less sleep for your child—excessive irritability.

        If the amount of homework your child receives, frequently seems to be extreme or your child has great difficulty completing it, you might wish to talk to your child’s teacher to work out a suitable solution, insha’Allah. It’s possible the teacher may be fond of reinforcing the day’s lesson with an abundance of work.  But there might also be a learning disability or some other issue underlying your child’s homework issues.  At any rate, keep in mind that an important aspect of your child getting sufficient rest is ensuring she begins her homework at a suitable time period.

         
Excessive Computer Use

Another impediment to proper sleep can often be the computer.  Limit the time your child sits in front of the computer.  It is so easy for time to fly by for your child when she’s engaged in games, videos and other enjoyable activities on the computer. Determine a specific amount of time your child can use the computer each day.

        You might also consider limiting computer use to earlier times of the day.  This can eliminate overindulgence in late night computer use.  Replace late evening activities with book reading, card and board games, or creative play activities such as coloring.

        Also, remember that taking a nap is Sunna.4   Encourage your child to take one if she appears extra grouchy.  Catching up on sleep is a convenient way for your child to get the proper hours of sleep needed to help her avoid being grumpy. You may not need to remind your child to take a nap when she’s gotten little sleep the night before, however.  Her droopy eyes might just follow their call once she’s settled down for a minute.

        Try your best to ensure your child gets enough rest each day.  This is a helpful tool in your toolbox of tips to help control your child’s unruly conduct.


   
Tip #4
Make a Plan


Have you ever thought about the idea that maybe your child doesn’t know what else to do when she’s feeling angry other than going into a wild fit?  Some children, in particular those with special needs, haven’t learned proper ways of expressing their frustrations.  They have to be held by the hand and shown clearly and concisely how to express their irritation appropriately.

        Talk to your child about what she should do when she’s disappointed.  Check out books from the library on feelings and emotions.  Many of these books show the right way and the wrong way to handle numerous unsettling situations.  Your child can see pictures that remind her of herself when she’s having a difficult time coping.  This helps her to understand that she’s not the only one who gets uncomfortable feelings.  She’ll also see that there are more appropriate ways of handling undesirable situations than through uncontrolled outbursts.

        Along with you directing your child towards suitable models of behavior, another helpful way to get your child to remember what to do when she feels like going berserk is allowing her to think up ideas of how to replace unacceptable behavior herself.  When your child plays a role in deciding how she conducts herself, it makes a greater impact on her and causes her to be more receptive of the idea and more likely to put it into practice.
        Your 12-year-old daughter Karima brings home a note from school that says she was reprimanded for shouting at her teacher.  You listen to Karima’s side of the story.  You let her know that you understand how she would have such strong feelings as she expressed in class with her teacher earlier that day.  Then you proceed to explain to her why her behavior wasn’t appropriate.  Just as important, you ask her to think of other ways she could have handled her anger with her teacher.

        This brainstorm approach to arriving at solutions is important in getting your child to learn how to more effectively mange her behavior in the future.  It’s a method that teaches her to self-manage her own behavior.  Learning to contemplate her actions to determine where and how she can improve upon them next time is a living skill that is valuable for life.  This is particularly important for Muslims.  We should always scrutinize our actions to determine if they are in accordance with what Allah would want from us.

        Teach your child how the Prophet (saw) suggested we should behave when angry.  Use this as a means of assisting her in coming up with her own solutions.

Narrated AbuDharr: The Apostle of Allah (saw) said to us: When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.   (Tirmidhi Hadith 5114)

        This hadith is so befitting regarding situations that lead us to becoming angry.  Often times when we get upset, we become destructive and hostile.  This type of behavior becomes less possible when we’re sitting or lying down. 

        Along with learning alternative behaviors to acting out her anger, your child also needs to know what can help diminish her anger. You probably already know the old saying: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  Well, this saying plays ever so true when it comes to cooling your child’s temper down.

         Adults need outlets that will allow them to relax and gather their resolve and continue on their journey in this life.  Children are no different.  They need a break sometimes.  Teach them ways of managing their stress. 

        Do you want to show your child a wonderfully easy way to feel better when she’s under pressure? Teach her to exercise when she’s at her wits end.  When she exercises, natural chemicals are released from her brain that actually help her feel better. 

        Don’t be misinformed; exercise doesn’t have to be dull and monotonous.  Get the basketball out and let your daughter play a game of basketball with her brother.  If there’s a punching bag around, let her give it a few punches.  Pull out the jump rope from the toy box and let her jump her troubles away.  The exercise possibilities are endless.  Together, you and your daughter can enjoy the process of selecting the types of exercise activities she takes most pleasure in.  Make a list of the exercises.  Post them up on the refrigerator, bedroom door or somewhere prominent.  When your child gets into one of her aggressive moods, remind her to check her “Stress Relief” list to help calm down.

        Other ideas of relaxing when stressed can be calling a friend or relative, playing a video game, watching a DVD, getting on the computer and even playing with a baby. These ideas can be added to her “Stress Relief” list.  Of course, don’t expect your child to immediately resort to her list every time she is upset.  This is simply a tool among many to help guide her toward proper behavior.  As most valuable goals are in life—proper behavior management takes time and practice.

        Another stress management device is learning how to relax oneself through breathing techniques.  Let your child know that when she feels like she’s about to lose control of her emotions, she should breath in and out deeply and slowly two or three times.  Then she should slowly count to ten.  This simple process can prevent many regretful incidents from occurring.

        Deep breathing allows your body to naturally relax itself.  Counting to ten allows your mind the time it needs to calm down.  Used together, the breathing and counting technique can be a useful way for your child to help control her anger.  This technique is most functional for older children aged nine and up. They are more likely to have sufficient control of their bodies to perform the technique.

        Work together with your child to develop positive ways of solving her problems. Introduce her to the many ways she can diminish her discontent.   She will not only appreciate you for showing her the alternatives, she will admire her own self-dignity even more.



  
Tip# 5
Water and Aroma Therapy


You know what therapy is, right?  Therapy is simply treating someone to make them feel better.  Have you ever thought of using water therapy as a means of helping your child calm down?


Water Therapy

        Some ADHD/ADD and special needs children have a natural tendency to spend long periods in the bathtub or shower.  It’s no wonder.  The soft thump of warm water drops massaging their back, neck and other body areas is a soothing pleasure. So is the muscle relaxing delight of reclining in a warm tub of water and allowing the water to penetrate their body from neck to toe.
        Introduce your child to the relaxing joys of a warm bath or shower.  Let her know this is another option she can use when feeling down and out. 
      
 

Bubble Bath

Remember how blissful it was when you used to take bubble baths as a kid. There’s just something about a cloud of bubbles piling up all around you and the hollow sound of running water feeding into the white foam.  What a wonderful treat!  Pick up a bottle of bubble bath from the discount store and have it available for your daughter the next time she loses her temper.  Let her know ahead of time that the bubble bath is an option she can use whenever she gets stressed out.


Aroma Therapy

Herbalists and those knowledgeable in homeopathy suggest that taking in the fragrance of lavender oil is therapeutic against stress. I don’t know how authentic this claim is, but I do know that some people find great pleasure in smelling nice aromatic scents. There are several hadith, in fact, in which the Prophet (saw) encouraged Muslims to use scents.

If a man takes a bath on Friday, purifies himself thoroughly, uses oil and perfume which is available in the house, sets forth for the Masjid, does not (forcibly) sit between two persons, offers the prayer that is prescribed for him and listens to the Imaam silently, his sins between this Friday and the previous Friday will be forgiven."
(Riyad-us- Saliheen / V1/ H828 / Hadeeth Sahih)

"Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) never used to refuse Taib (attar, perfume oils, oil fragrances, musk oils) and used to say that the Prophet (peace be upon him) never used to refuse (a gift of) scent."
(Sahih al-Bukhari / V7 / H5929)


Light up some incense or bakhoor in your home when your child is upset.  Place some natural smelling oils (such as lavender) in your child’s bathtub to calm him down. 
        Does aroma therapy really work?  The jury is out on that.  But it certainly couldn’t hurt. Give it a try!





Tip# 6
Show You Understand

        You’re in line at the grocery store.  It’s a sweltering summer day. You feel drops of sweat drip down your forehead, along your scarf and down your chest beneath your long dress. You notice the grocery store clerk smile and greet the customer in front of you with “Thank you, have a nice day.”  You step up to the counter. She doesn’t say a word.  She follows through on your transaction and hands you your change and receipt.  As you turn to leave you hear a kind voice saying “Hi, how are you?” to the customer who was behind you.

        When you get home, you tell the story to a close family member at home.  He brushes it off as oversensitivity.  You feel indignant, cheated. 

        That’s how your child feels when she comes to you with a problem and you brush it off as if it were nothing she should be concerned about.  Everyone is different.  What may cause anger in one person might be a harmless joke to another.  Even though your daughter’s distress at her younger brother getting into her personal box of collections is insignificant to you, that doesn’t mean that it should be unimportant to your child.

        Keep this important concept in mind when dealing with your child’s behavior.  Showing concern for your child’s problems can open the doors to communication.  This can lead to your child expressing her feelings in a more positive rather than vindictive manner.

        Children have a desire to know that important people in their lives care about their concerns.  This is just the natural makeup of humans.  But not only do they want to be empathized with, they also need to simply just be heard.

        This is one of the primary roles that psychologists and counselors play with their clients.  They are there to listen to the person’s problems.  Just being able to talk about a problem and get it off one’s chest can be enough to make someone feel better sometimes.

        Be there for your child emotionally when she has a problem that’s troubling her. You’ll find your concern will go a long way in helping her see that she needn’t act out to get others around her to know how terrible she feels.



Teach Emotion Words

        Some children, such as those with ADHD, learning deficits or Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD’s) truly don’t know how to express their feelings in words.  In these situations, you must teach them the words for certain feelings and also how to express the words to others. This concept may be difficult for the average person to comprehend.  The average person might wonder, how can someone not know how to verbally let others know they are feeling sad or happy? 

        Certain children have language impairments and social interaction difficulties that cause them to misunderstand the normal cues that signify emotions.   Children with autism, ADHD and other conditions may fall into this category.  They are indeed different than the average functioning child.  Knowing this can help parents alter their discipline methods so they are more suitable for their particular child.

        Children who have difficulty expressing and understanding emotional contexts must be taught to understand them.  This can be done in several ways.  One way is by the parent verbally stating what the child’s emotions are at different settings.

         If your child is laughing and playing joyfully, tell her, “I can see you are happy today because your friend is over.”  If she is moping around the house with nothing to do, let her know she’s feeling bored today because she can’t find anything enjoyable to do.  If she’s angry at you because you won’t let her stay on the computer, tell her that you know she’s angry.  Let her know how you know.  She’s not smiling.  She’s pouting.  She doesn’t want to do what you say. 

        Another effective way of teaching your child feeling words is to express them when you are feeling a particular way.  If you are mad because she didn’t do her homework until bedtime, let her know—in a calm manner.  “It makes me angry when you wait until bedtime to do your homework, because then you don’t get enough rest for school tomorrow.”

         When you express your own anger in a calm way, this lets your daughter see that throwing a fit isn’t necessary to make others aware she’s irritated.

        If you are sad after hearing bad news, say to your daughter,  “Mommy is sad today, because someone close to Mommy is in the hospital.”

        Here’s one way to help remind yourself about discussing emotion words with your child.  Make a list of emotion words (sad, happy, angry, hurt, excited, jealous, hopeful, love, scared, shy etc.) and post them on your wall.  Better yet, pick up a feelings poster from a school supply store and post it on the door for your child. She will see the different faces of children expressing emotions with the word for the emotion beneath the picture.  This will help reinforce the concepts of emotions in your child so she will be able to express herself verbally rather than through uncontrollable outbursts. 

        Children who are able to express their sadness, pain, resentment and other problems in words are less in need of acting out inappropriately to get their feelings understood.  When they express their problems verbally, you need to be there empathetically to listen and respond with compassion.  No one likes to reveal a problem that their having to someone and in turn have the person brush them off or belittle the problem as irrelevant.  This only breeds resentment. It is important that your child receives the emotional support she needs during times of distress if you want to encourage her to avoid losing control of her emotions.



  
Tip# 7
Teach Solutions


Your five-year-old son has just had a meltdown.  He wanted you to take him with you to his older brother’s basketball practice.   You refused because it was after school and you knew he needed a nap because he’d been up late last night.  Little sleep equals a short temper for your little one.

        And that’s just what he had—a short temper.  He started his rampage of kicking the door against the wall and flailing like he was in a pool swimming backwards.

        How can a mother who wants to give up hitting and shouting control this type of behavior?  The first thing to understand is that children are going through a learning process.  They must be taught how to behave.  This doesn’t mean you simply let them know their behavior is unacceptable. It also involves showing and explaining to them other ways to actually solve their problem.

        Some children take longer than others to learn how to control themselves.  This is where patience comes in on the parent’s part.  When a child seems to be unresponsive to suggested solutions to his problem, don’t give up.  Continue directing him.

        A significant aid in showing your child how to handle his upset feelings is by showing alternative ways of solving his problem.  When your child is having a temper tantrum, he is responding to negative feelings such as sadness, anger or blocked opportunities.  Show him how he can resolve or lessen his problem to help himself feel better.

        Let’s go back to the story of the five-year-old who is heated because he can’t go with his mother to his brother’s basketball practice.  Think of solutions he can use to help resolve or lessen his feelings of rejection.

        Explain to him he can go outside and play with his friends since he can’t go to the game.  Tell him he can play the new computer game on the computer.  Tell him to get his clothes out for you to iron so he’ll be ready for you to take him to the next game.  The idea is to help him see there are ways of minimizing the blow of not being able to go with you.

        He may not cease his behavior immediately.  But once you leave the house, your ideas will remain in his mind for some time.  And he will likely take you up on some of the suggestions.

        Another situation might occur with your older son of 12 years whom you’re taking to the basketball practice.  On the way to practice, he’s badgering you again about getting him a new pair of shoes for his basketball games.  He wants an expensive name-brand shoe.  You have a personal preference not to purchase high-priced name-brand items.  You’ve offered him a more reasonably priced pair, but he’s refused them.

        He’s frustrated at your denial and kicks at the seat of the car, says a few inappropriate words and sulks. You respond by calmly announcing his penalty for disrespectful speech.  Then you leave him to his emotions.  This is not the time to come up with alternative solutions.  He must calm down first.

        On your way back from the practice is a better time to help him with solutions. Ask him what does he think about the idea of you putting in $20.00 and he save up the rest by doing extra chores around the house. Then both sources of money could be put together to purchase the specific shoes he wants.  This idea of saving up his own money will go into his repertoire of solutions for the future when he is unable to receive an item that he desires.

        You can also ask your son if he has any suggestions as to how he can solve his problem of not being able to get new shoes.  You’d be surprised at how innovative your children can be when given a chance to express themselves.  Your child will be most eager to use the solutions he’s thought up on his own.  

        We all have and will continue to have situations in which things don’t go as we desire.  When children have ways of solving their problems, they have less need of acting out their frustrations through aggressive outbursts.
   


Tip # 8

Remember Islam
.
When your child is angry and out of control, it’s possible that Shaitan may be playing a role in his behavior.

Narrated Atiyyah as-Sa'di, (r.a.) AbuWa'il al-Qass said: We entered upon Urwah ibn Muhammad ibn as-Sa'di. A man spoke to him and made him angry. So he stood and performed ablution; he then returned and performed ablution, and said: My father told me on the authority of my grandfather Atiyyah who reported the Apostle of Allah (saw) as saying: Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution. (Hadith - Sunan of Abu Dawood)


                To dispel Shaitan, teach your child certain supplications and ayaat from Quran that the Prophet (saw) has taught us to say. 

        As mentioned earlier, the Prophet (saw) recommended seeking refuge with Allah from Satan, the outcast, when one is angry.  Remind your child to do the same.


Also, keep in mind that certain sections from Quran are known for sending Shaitan away, as well.  According to the following hadith, reciting Ayatul Qursi is a protection from Shaitan:

Abu Huraira (ra) narrated:

Allah’s Messenger ordered me to guard the Zakah revenue of Ramadan. Then someone came to me and started stealing from the foodstuff. I caught him and said:  I will take you to Allah’s Messenger. That person said to me, please don’t take me to Allah’s Messenger, and I will tell you a few words by Allah will benefit you.  When you go to your bed recite ayatul kursi (2: 255) for then there will be a guard from Allah who will protect you all night long. And Satan will not be able to come near you till dawn. When the Holy Prophet heard this story, he said to me: That was Iblis, he told you the truth even though he is a compulsive liar. (Sahih Bukhari Vol. 6 Hadith No. 530)

          In addition to Ayat Al-Khursi, teach your children the three recommended Surahs that should be said at night for protection.

                Aisha (ra) reported that when the Prophet (saw) went to bed every night, he used to cup his hands together and blow over them after reciting Surah Al-Ikhlas, Surah Al-Falaq and Surah An-Nas, and then rub his hands over whatever parts of his body he was able to rub, starting with his head, face and front of his body. He used to do that three times . . . (Sahih Bukhari)

        According to hadith, the best two Surahs for seeking Allah's protection are Surah Al-Falaq and Surah An-Nas. In Sura Al-Nas we seek refuge from Shatian’s whisperings. In Sura Al- Falaq we seek protection from the evil of envy and magic. 

Uqbah ibn Amir (ra) reported that the Messenger of Allah (saw) said: "No seeker of refuge can seek refuge with anything like these two." (Abu Dawud)

        During times when your child is going through one of his raging fits, remember to remind your child to seek help in Allah.  You should also ask Allah to help you to remain patient with your child. Being able to control your own emotions is just as important as teaching your child to manage his. 


Conclusion

        Our Children are a great and special trust from Allah.  Teaching them the countless things they need to know to manage themselves as proper Muslims can sometimes be daunting.  But as Muslims, we stand to the challenge. 

        One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the ability to learn how to be patient during adversity, for Allah has said:
قُلْ يَا عِبَادِ الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمْ لِلَّذِينَ أَحْسَنُوا فِي هَذِهِ الدُّنْيَا حَسَنَةٌ وَأَرْضُ اللَّهِ وَاسِعَةٌ إِنَّمَا يُوَفَّى الصَّابِرُونَ أَجْرَهُم بِغَيْرِ حِسَابٍ
“Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning.” (Quran 39: 10)


        The ability to be patient when experiencing trials is easier to teach to some children than others. For some it may take several years.  For others the teaching process may carry over into adulthood and throughout this period of their lives.  

        The length of teaching is not what is most important.  Achieving the goal is. There is a very touching hadith that goes as such:
A man spends a long time doing the deeds of the people of Paradise and then he ends his deeds with the deeds of the people of the Hell-fire. And a man spends a long time doing the deeds of the people of the Hell-fire and then he ends his deeds with the deeds of the people of Paradise."(Muslim)
     
   May Allah bless our last deeds to be those that will protect us from the hellfire and cause us to enter Firdaus with no accounts at all. 


End Notes

1 United States. Centers for Disease Control and  Prevention,   Sleep and Sleep Disorders, How Much Sleep do I Need? http://www.cdc.gov/sleep/how_much_sleep.htm

2 United States. Centers for Disease Control and  Prevention,   Sleep and Sleep Disorders, How Much Sleep do I Need? http://www.cdc.gov/sleep/how_much_sleep.htm

3 National Sleep Foundation                                                                    http://www.sleepfoundation.org/article/how-sleep-works/how-much-sleep-do-we-really-need

4 Anas (as) reported that the Prophet (saw) said: “Take a nap, for the shayateen do not take naps.” (Reported by al-Tabaraani, Al-Saheehah, 2647).









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Discipline without       Disrespecting:

  











8 tips to Taming Your Muslim Child’s Temper
Make Obeying Easier
Make Discipline Simpler!
Grandma Jeddah

Discipline without Disrespecting:
8 Tips to Taming Your Muslim Childs Temper

By Grandma Jeddah













Summit Garden Press
Los Angeles, California



Discipline without Disrespecting:
8 Tips to Taming Your Muslim Child’s Temper


This is a free e-Book.  It is not to be sold.  If you find value in this e-Book, you may save it to your computer and offer it to friends and family.  You may also offer it as a download from your site.  Posts on your favorite social networking sites are welcomed.













The information provided in this book is intended for educational development. We are not liable for any negative consequences incurred as a result of implementing the contents of this book.
This book is not a replacement for advice by a licensed health professional. If your child has severe emotional or behavioral problems, seek health providers such as your personal physician, psychologist, psychiatrist, clinical worker or social worker. 
In addition, keep your children in your supplications.  According to hadith, The Prophet (saw) used to say the following supplication for his two grandsons, Hassan and Hussein:
أُعِيذُكَ بِكَلِمَاتِ اللهِ التَّامَّةِ مِن كُلِّ شَيطَانٍ وَهَامَّة ، وَمِن كُلِّ عَينٍ لَامَّةٍ
"A’oodhu bi kalimaat Allah al-taammah min kulli shaytaanin wa haammah wa min kulli ‘aynin laammah’”
 (I seek refuge in the perfect words of Allah, from every devil and every poisonous reptile, and from every evil eye).

(Bukhari, Ahadeeth al-Anbiyaa’, 3120).




TABLE OF CONTENTS
                      Introduction…………6
Tip# 1:          Be a Good Example………..7
Tip# 2:          Determine Your Child’s Triggers……….13
Tip# 3:          Ready to Rest…………19     
Tip# 4:          Make a Plan…………..23
Tip# 5:          Water and Aroma Therapy………………..28
Tip# 6:          Show Your Understanding……………….31
Tip# 7:          Teach Solutions…………………36
Tip# 8           Remember Religion………………40
                      Conclusion………………………..43
                      End Notes…………………45




Introduction

Your Challenging Child
Do you have one of those hard-to-manage kids?  I mean the really challenging ones. Like the four-year-old who stops drops and rolls when you don’t give him a second serving of cookies.  Or the nine-year-old who shouts and stomps through the house like Paul Bunyan through the forest when you tell him he can’t get on the computer because he left his homework at school.
        What is a mother to do when she sees her child is completely on another planet as far as controlling himself is concerned?  And listening to your requests during these emotional outbursts—well . . . let’s not go there.
        But, no---really.  What do you do when you have a child that is prone to temper tantrums?  Well, Grandma Jeddah has eight successful tips on how to tame your child’s temper.




Tip# 1
Be a Good Example

The first tip is to make sure you are a good example of how to deal appropriately with anger.  Ohhhhh. . . booooy, you might be saying to yourself cynically.  But hey, that’s where it starts—with you.  Now that’s not to say that all children who lack self-control have parents who throw tantrums.  What this means is that you are your child’s primary teacher.  They are dependent upon you to show them how to behave.  One of the best ways people learn is by imitating others.  This is where your example becomes extremely important.

Your Interactions with Your Child
One of the key times that your child observes your behavior is when you are interacting with her.  When Jamillah has a rude response to everything you have to say to her, how do you handle her disrespectful behavior?  Do you shout back at her, spitting out hurtful words?  Maybe you lash out at her, smacking her a few times on her face and head to let her know who’s really in charge.  Or perhaps you slam the door as you retreat to your room after a verbal battle with your daughter.
        If your child observes you behaving in such ways when you are upset, she will view these behaviors as acceptable responses during her own periods of rage.  Keep this important point in mind when you’re irritated  and interacting with your child.  Consciously think to yourself, I am my child’s example.
       
Your Behavior with Others
Other times when your child notices your behavior is when you are interacting with those around you.  When you’re out on the road late for an appointment and trying to get your child to school on time what do you say when a car cuts in front of you?  For many parents the phrases they emit are not gentle to the ear, to put it lightly. Whatever you find yourself saying, know that your child hears it and accepts it as valid if it comes from you.

Disputes with Husband and Wife
You probably already know the next occasion I’m about to bring up.  Yep, that’s right. . . your interactions with your spouse.  This is one of those interactions that your children have a heightened alertness with.  During situations when you and your husband are having differences, how do you handle your disagreements?  Do you fly off the handle venting out abusive words to your husband?  It’s not unheard of for wives to be on the aggressive end physically, either.  Be aware that your children obey your every action, as the saying goes.

Seek Help
If you find that you have a problem controlling your own emotions when you’re upset, take steps to work on this issue.  Being patient during troubling times is not something that can be feigned.  This is a quality that comes with practice and fear of Allah.  Perhaps you can search the internet for information on anger management.  There’s loads of it out there.  Plenty of books from the library or bookstore have information on the subject, as well.  You can also enroll in an anger management class.  Look them up online for your area.

Inspiration from Quran
        Listen to lectures on the rewards and benefits of being patient.  There are numerous ayat in Quran extolling the benefits of being patient:
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ اصْبِرُواْ وَصَابِرُواْ وَرَابِطُواْ وَاتَّقُواْ اللّهَ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ
Ø You who believe! Endure and be more patient . . .” (3:200)


وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُمْ بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوفْ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الأَمَوَالِ وَالأنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ
Ø "And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirun (the patient)".  (2:155)

وَلَمَن صَبَرَ وَغَفَرَ إِنَّ ذَلِكَ لَمِنْ عَزْمِ الْأُمُورِ
Ø "And verily, whosoever shows patience and forgives, that would truly be from the things recommended by Allah.'' (42:43)

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ اسْتَعِينُواْ بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلاَةِ إِنَّ اللّهَ مَعَ الصَّابِرِينَ
Ø "Seek help in patience and As-Salat (the prayer). Truly, Allah is with As-Sabirun (the patient).'' (2:153)

وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُمْ حَتَّى نَعْلَمَ الْمُجَاهِدِينَ مِنكُمْ وَالصَّابِرِينَ وَنَبْلُوَ أَخْبَارَكُمْ
Ø "And surely, We shall try you till We test those who strive hard (for the Cause of Allah) and As-Sabirun (the patient)'' (47:31)




Hadith on Patience
       
There are many hadith on the blessings of having patience, as well.   One such hadith is the following:
 Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri (ra) reported that: Certain people of the Ansar asked the Messenger of Allah (saw) and he gave to them; then they again asked him and he gave to them until all what he possessed was exhausted. Then the Prophet (saw) said, "Whatever wealth I have, I will not withhold from you. Whosoever would be chaste and modest; Allah will keep him chaste and modest and whosoever would seek self-sufficiency, Allah will make him self-sufficient; and whosoever would be patient, Allah will give him patience, and no one is granted a gift better and more comprehensive than patience".
(Bukhari and Muslim).

Peer Up
Another way to help yourself become more patient is to frequently intermingle with sisters or family members who are known for exhibiting self-control when experiencing difficulties.  By interacting with these types of people, you will pick up their good habits, insha’Allah.

Make Dua
         Remember what the Prophet, (saw) said about how to protect yourself from becoming angry: In his Musnad, Al-Hafiz Abu Ya`la Ahmad bin `Ali bin Al-Muthanna Al-Mawsili reported that Ubayy bin Ka`b said, "Two men disputed with each other in the presence of the Messenger of Allah and the nose of one of them became swollen because of extreme anger. The Messenger of Allah (saw) said,
 (I know of some words that if he said them, what he feels will go away, 'I seek refuge with Allah from the cursed Satan.')''
        Along with the above words, remember in general to ask Allah to help you to get better at being patient.  For Allah is the one who grants patience to whom He wants. 
Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri: The Prophet (saw) said, “. . . Allah will give him patience, and no one is granted a gift better and more comprehensive than patience . . . ."
(Bukhari, Muslim)





Tip# 2
Determine Your Child’s Triggers

Whenever you tell your daughter Jamillah “No,” she blows up.  She just can’t seem to accept that she can’t have her way. Saying “No,” is a trigger for Jamillah.  When she hears it, she starts to boil inside and an explosion is soon to occur.  Use your knowledge of your child’s triggers as a tool to head off a tantrum before it even begins.
        When your child “loses it,” think about what preceded the incident.  Did she get embarrassed or humiliated?  Did she feel like a failure because she didn’t win a game?  Is it almost time for her to do her homework? Knowing your child’s triggers can be an enormous asset for you.  It can allow you to prevent a tantrum before it gets the chance to start. Or it can at least help you prepare for one that is about to begin.



Be Ready
If you know that your child hates to hear “No” from you, then prepare for it. One way to prepare is by giving her an easy “No” whenever possible. 
        If she wants to do her homework after dinner rather than before dinner, instead of giving a clear cut “No,” make her aware that her wish is possible.  She just has to complete half of the work before dinner.  Then she can finish the rest after dinner. An easy “No” makes the refusal more tolerable for the receiver.   When you interact with your child in this fashion, you are being proactive rather than reactive.  When you’re proactive, you have more time to figure out a suitable solution to your child’s potential problem.

Reward Her for the Good Times
        Now you’re about to learn a fantastic tool you can use to help your child manage her temper.  When you know your child is about to encounter a trigger, take notice if she’s making an attempt to control herself.  Acknowledge even the slightest effort she may make at trying to cope with her problem. Let her know that you are aware of her efforts. 
        Give your child rewards to show her you appreciate her effort at trying to manage her behavior.  For instance, your child’s dreaded time for homework has arrived. This period of the day is a trigger for her to start her shouting rampage.  Let her know that you’re pleased with her behavior when she remains silent after you’ve directed her to get started on her work.  The reward might be a star placed on her merit chart. Do the same when she completes her homework. You will find more detailed information on how to develop a merit system as well as other effective discipline methods in Grandma Jeddah’s eBook, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind While at It.
         Rewarding your child for performing her activities she dislikes helps her develop positive feelings about the activity.  In turn, this can prevent a blow up of emotions during later periods when this particular trigger is revisited.
        You must celebrate the moment!  If you know your child is facing one of her triggers but she’s trying to control her outburst, tell her verbally how difficult it must be for her to be so tolerant with such a difficult task at hand.  Pat her on the back. Give her a hug.  Whatever you do, don’t let her good deed go   unacknowledged.

 Mother as Trigger      
Did you know that one of your child’s triggers could be you?  That’s right.  Here’s how.  Let’s say your child is weak in math, and you know you’ll have to assist her in completing her math homework for the evening.  You’ve been tending to the baby most of the day, you cleaned the house, and prepared a long, delicious dinner for the family—you’re tired.  You’re not too good at math yourself so you dread having to go over the math book and figure out the evening’s lesson.  How in the world are you supposed to know how many centimeters are in a foot?
        Children are great readers of their parents.  If your stress is written across your face, your child will sense this tension and may react to it by showing her own frustrations.  “Okay.” you might be saying to yourself, “So what am I supposed to do, become a robot?”  Not at all.
        What you could do, though, is get a personal tutor for your child if you know this particular math chapter—or math book—is going to be too much of a challenge for you.  Another option is to get Dad’s help if he’s available.  Maybe arrangements can be made with an older sibling or neighbor to help out with homework.  The point is, try to work out problems so that you aren’t too uptight when you are around your challenging child.
        Certainly there will be times when your anxiety will be visible and you have no solutions at the present time for resolving your troubles.  No problem.  In a calm manner, express to your child that you need a break right now and you won’t be able to assist her at the present time.  This will offer two advantages for your child.  First, she will see that you get frustrated, too, and having that feeling is Okay. Second, she will observe your reserved manner during your time of distress and learn this as a pattern for her own response during troubling times.

Allow Her to Decide
Want to know a fabulous way to help prevent your child from flying off the handle when she’s about to encounter a trigger?  Offer her a choice. 
        You and Jamillah just left a restaurant in the mall.  The two of you had a delicious meal of shrimp fried rice, sweet and sour shrimp and egg flour soup.  You’re in good spirits.  As you browse through the mall something catches Jamillah’s eye.  She spots the kitchen set she’s been asking you for since last Eid.  She yanks your arm and asks if you can get it for her—after all you’re right there at the store.  You’re thinking that you didn’t have the money then and you don’t have it now.  Besides, didn’t you just treat her to a delicious lunch at the Chinese restaurant?  You want to tell her she’s never satisfied, but you catch yourself.  You know Jamillah dislikes the word “No.”  And you definitely don’t want a scene in the mall. 
        “That’s really a nice kitchen set,” you tell her.  “Now I see why you’ve wanted one so much. Do you want me to get it for you if you get good grades on your report card next reporting period of for next Eid, insha’Allah?”  Take the conversation down a similar road.
        Or perhaps there’s a third option she can select from: “You know, I think Sister Aliyya’s daughter is selling her kitchen set.  It looks like new.  Would you like me to check to see if she’s still selling it? That way you could get one sooner, insha’Allah.”
        As you can see, learning how to manage your child’s triggers is an art.  As with any skill, practice makes perfect. 









Tip# 3
Ready to Rest

Getting the proper amount of sleep has increasingly become an important aspect of good health.  While we often consider sleep to be a “passive” activity, sufficient sleep is increasingly being recognized as an essential aspect of health promotion . . .1 explains a report from the Centers for Disease Control.    Lack of proper sleep can affect your child’s emotional as well as mental and physical wellbeing.
        Lack of sleep has been known to cause depression in those who don’t get enough rest.2  A depressed child can show increased signs of anger and hostility.  They are also more likely to be irritable.   Excessive anger, hostility and irritability can lead to an increase in tantrums and loss of self-control.
        Ensuring your child gets enough sleep is one key factor in helping her control her temper.
        According to the National Sleep Foundation, children should receive the following hours of sleep per day:3


NEWBORNS
(0–2 months)
12–18 hours
INFANTS
(3–11 months)
 14–15 hours
TODDLERS
(1–3 years)
12–14 hours
PRESCHOOLERS
(3–5 years)
11–13 hours
SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN
(5–10 years)
10–11 hours
TEENS
(10–17)
8.5–9.25 hours
ADULTS

7–9 hours
       

Late Night Homework
        For older school-age children, completing late night homework is often a culprit in your child getting to sleep past bedtime.  Schedule a time period for homework to begin well before bedtime.  Your child may need a break if the work is heavy.  Keep this in mind when organizing your child’s schedule. There may be times when there’s no choice but to extend the work into after bedtime hours.  In such cases, be ready to accept the consequences of less sleep for your child—excessive irritability.
        If the amount of homework your child receives, frequently seems to be extreme or your child has great difficulty completing it, you might wish to talk to your child’s teacher to work out a suitable solution, insha’Allah. It’s possible the teacher may be fond of reinforcing the day’s lesson with an abundance of work.  But there might also be a learning disability or some other issue underlying your child’s homework issues.  At any rate, keep in mind that an important aspect of your child getting sufficient rest is ensuring she begins her homework at a suitable time period.
         
Excessive Computer Use
Another impediment to proper sleep can often be the computer.  Limit the time your child sits in front of the computer.  It is so easy for time to fly by for your child when she’s engaged in games, videos and other enjoyable activities on the computer. Determine a specific amount of time your child can use the computer each day.
        You might also consider limiting computer use to earlier times of the day.  This can eliminate overindulgence in late night computer use.  Replace late evening activities with book reading, card and board games, or creative play activities such as coloring.
        Also, remember that taking a nap is Sunna.4   Encourage your child to take one if she appears extra grouchy.  Catching up on sleep is a convenient way for your child to get the proper hours of sleep needed to help her avoid being grumpy. You may not need to remind your child to take a nap when she’s gotten little sleep the night before, however.  Her droopy eyes might just follow their call once she’s settled down for a minute.
        Try your best to ensure your child gets enough rest each day.  This is a helpful tool in your toolbox of tips to help control your child’s unruly conduct.










Tip #4
Make a Plan

Have you ever thought about the idea that maybe your child doesn’t know what else to do when she’s feeling angry other than going into a wild fit?  Some children, in particular those with special needs, haven’t learned proper ways of expressing their frustrations.  They have to be held by the hand and shown clearly and concisely how to express their irritation appropriately.
        Talk to your child about what she should do when she’s disappointed.  Check out books from the library on feelings and emotions.  Many of these books show the right way and the wrong way to handle numerous unsettling situations.  Your child can see pictures that remind her of herself when she’s having a difficult time coping.  This helps her to understand that she’s not the only one who gets uncomfortable feelings.  She’ll also see that there are more appropriate ways of handling undesirable situations than through uncontrolled outbursts.
        Along with you directing your child towards suitable models of behavior, another helpful way to get your child to remember what to do when she feels like going berserk is allowing her to think up ideas of how to replace unacceptable behavior herself.  When your child plays a role in deciding how she conducts herself, it makes a greater impact on her and causes her to be more receptive of the idea and more likely to put it into practice.
        Your 12-year-old daughter Karima brings home a note from school that says she was reprimanded for shouting at her teacher.  You listen to Karima’s side of the story.  You let her know that you understand how she would have such strong feelings as she expressed in class with her teacher earlier that day.  Then you proceed to explain to her why her behavior wasn’t appropriate.  Just as important, you ask her to think of other ways she could have handled her anger with her teacher.
        This brainstorm approach to arriving at solutions is important in getting your child to learn how to more effectively mange her behavior in the future.  It’s a method that teaches her to self-manage her own behavior.  Learning to contemplate her actions to determine where and how she can improve upon them next time is a living skill that is valuable for life.  This is particularly important for Muslims.  We should always scrutinize our actions to determine if they are in accordance with what Allah would want from us.
        Teach your child how the Prophet (saw) suggested we should behave when angry.  Use this as a means of assisting her in coming up with her own solutions.
Narrated AbuDharr: The Apostle of Allah (saw) said to us: When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.   (Tirmidhi Hadith 5114)
        This hadith is so befitting regarding situations that lead us to becoming angry.  Often times when we get upset, we become destructive and hostile.  This type of behavior becomes less possible when we’re sitting or lying down. 
        Along with learning alternative behaviors to acting out her anger, your child also needs to know what can help diminish her anger. You probably already know the old saying: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  Well, this saying plays ever so true when it comes to cooling your child’s temper down.
         Adults need outlets that will allow them to relax and gather their resolve and continue on their journey in this life.  Children are no different.  They need a break sometimes.  Teach them ways of managing their stress. 
        Do you want to show your child a wonderfully easy way to feel better when she’s under pressure? Teach her to exercise when she’s at her wits end.  When she exercises, natural chemicals are released from her brain that actually help her feel better. 
        Don’t be misinformed; exercise doesn’t have to be dull and monotonous.  Get the basketball out and let your daughter play a game of basketball with her brother.  If there’s a punching bag around, let her give it a few punches.  Pull out the jump rope from the toy box and let her jump her troubles away.  The exercise possibilities are endless.  Together, you and your daughter can enjoy the process of selecting the types of exercise activities she takes most pleasure in.  Make a list of the exercises.  Post them up on the refrigerator, bedroom door or somewhere prominent.  When your child gets into one of her aggressive moods, remind her to check her “Stress Relief” list to help calm down.
        Other ideas of relaxing when stressed can be calling a friend or relative, playing a video game, watching a DVD, getting on the computer and even playing with a baby. These ideas can be added to her “Stress Relief” list.  Of course, don’t expect your child to immediately resort to her list every time she is upset.  This is simply a tool among many to help guide her toward proper behavior.  As most valuable goals are in life—proper behavior management takes time and practice.
        Another stress management device is learning how to relax oneself through breathing techniques.  Let your child know that when she feels like she’s about to lose control of her emotions, she should breath in and out deeply and slowly two or three times.  Then she should slowly count to ten.  This simple process can prevent many regretful incidents from occurring.
        Deep breathing allows your body to naturally relax itself.  Counting to ten allows your mind the time it needs to calm down.  Used together, the breathing and counting technique can be a useful way for your child to help control her anger.  This technique is most functional for older children aged nine and up. They are more likely to have sufficient control of their bodies to perform the technique.
        Work together with your child to develop positive ways of solving her problems. Introduce her to the many ways she can diminish her discontent.   She will not only appreciate you for showing her the alternatives, she will admire her own self-dignity even more.









Tip# 5
Water and Aroma Therapy

You know what therapy is, right?  Therapy is simply treating someone to make them feel better.  Have you ever thought of using water therapy as a means of helping your child calm down?

Water Therapy
        Some ADHD/ADD and special needs children have a natural tendency to spend long periods in the bathtub or shower.  It’s no wonder.  The soft thump of warm water drops massaging their back, neck and other body areas is a soothing pleasure. So is the muscle relaxing delight of reclining in a warm tub of water and allowing the water to penetrate their body from neck to toe.
        Introduce your child to the relaxing joys of a warm bath or shower.  Let her know this is another option she can use when feeling down and out. 
       

Bubble Bath
Remember how blissful it was when you used to take bubble baths as a kid. There’s just something about a cloud of bubbles piling up all around you and the hollow sound of running water feeding into the white foam.  What a wonderful treat!  Pick up a bottle of bubble bath from the discount store and have it available for your daughter the next time she loses her temper.  Let her know ahead of time that the bubble bath is an option she can use whenever she gets stressed out.

Aroma Therapy
Herbalists and those knowledgeable in homeopathy suggest that taking in the fragrance of lavender oil is therapeutic against stress. I don’t know how authentic this claim is, but I do know that some people find great pleasure in smelling nice aromatic scents. There are several hadith, in fact, in which the Prophet (saw) encouraged Muslims to use scents.
If a man takes a bath on Friday, purifies himself thoroughly, uses oil and perfume which is available in the house, sets forth for the Masjid, does not (forcibly) sit between two persons, offers the prayer that is prescribed for him and listens to the Imaam silently, his sins between this Friday and the previous Friday will be forgiven."
(Riyad-us- Saliheen / V1/ H828 / Hadeeth Sahih)
"Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) never used to refuse Taib (attar, perfume oils, oil fragrances, musk oils) and used to say that the Prophet (peace be upon him) never used to refuse (a gift of) scent."
(Sahih al-Bukhari / V7 / H5929)

Light up some incense or bakhoor in your home when your child is upset.  Place some natural smelling oils (such as lavender) in your child’s bathtub to calm him down. 
        Does aroma therapy really work?  The jury is out on that.  But it certainly couldn’t hurt. Give it a try!









Tip# 6
Show You Understand

        You’re in line at the grocery store.  It’s a sweltering summer day. You feel drops of sweat drip down your forehead, along your scarf and down your chest beneath your long dress. You notice the grocery store clerk smile and greet the customer in front of you with “Thank you, have a nice day.”  You step up to the counter. She doesn’t say a word.  She follows through on your transaction and hands you your change and receipt.  As you turn to leave you hear a kind voice saying “Hi, how are you?” to the customer who was behind you.
        When you get home, you tell the story to a close family member at home.  He brushes it off as oversensitivity.  You feel indignant, cheated. 
        That’s how your child feels when she comes to you with a problem and you brush it off as if it were nothing she should be concerned about.  Everyone is different.  What may cause anger in one person might be a harmless joke to another.  Even though your daughter’s distress at her younger brother getting into her personal box of collections is insignificant to you, that doesn’t mean that it should be unimportant to your child.
        Keep this important concept in mind when dealing with your child’s behavior.  Showing concern for your child’s problems can open the doors to communication.  This can lead to your child expressing her feelings in a more positive rather than vindictive manner.
        Children have a desire to know that important people in their lives care about their concerns.  This is just the natural makeup of humans.  But not only do they want to be empathized with, they also need to simply just be heard.
        This is one of the primary roles that psychologists and counselors play with their clients.  They are there to listen to the person’s problems.  Just being able to talk about a problem and get it off one’s chest can be enough to make someone feel better sometimes.
        Be there for your child emotionally when she has a problem that’s troubling her. You’ll find your concern will go a long way in helping her see that she needn’t act out to get others around her to know how terrible she feels.

Teach Emotion Words
        Some children, such as those with ADHD, learning deficits or Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD’s) truly don’t know how to express their feelings in words.  In these situations, you must teach them the words for certain feelings and also how to express the words to others. This concept may be difficult for the average person to comprehend.  The average person might wonder, how can someone not know how to verbally let others know they are feeling sad or happy? 
        Certain children have language impairments and social interaction difficulties that cause them to misunderstand the normal cues that signify emotions.   Children with autism, ADHD and other conditions may fall into this category.  They are indeed different than the average functioning child.  Knowing this can help parents alter their discipline methods so they are more suitable for their particular child.
        Children who have difficulty expressing and understanding emotional contexts must be taught to understand them.  This can be done in several ways.  One way is by the parent verbally stating what the child’s emotions are at different settings.
         If your child is laughing and playing joyfully, tell her, “I can see you are happy today because your friend is over.”  If she is moping around the house with nothing to do, let her know she’s feeling bored today because she can’t find anything enjoyable to do.  If she’s angry at you because you won’t let her stay on the computer, tell her that you know she’s angry.  Let her know how you know.  She’s not smiling.  She’s pouting.  She doesn’t want to do what you say. 
        Another effective way of teaching your child feeling words is to express them when you are feeling a particular way.  If you are mad because she didn’t do her homework until bedtime, let her know—in a calm manner.  “It makes me angry when you wait until bedtime to do your homework, because then you don’t get enough rest for school tomorrow.”
         When you express your own anger in a calm way, this lets your daughter see that throwing a fit isn’t necessary to make others aware she’s irritated.
        If you are sad after hearing bad news, say to your daughter,  “Mommy is sad today, because someone close to Mommy is in the hospital.”
        Here’s one way to help remind yourself about discussing emotion words with your child.  Make a list of emotion words (sad, happy, angry, hurt, excited, jealous, hopeful, love, scared, shy etc.) and post them on your wall.  Better yet, pick up a feelings poster from a school supply store and post it on the door for your child. She will see the different faces of children expressing emotions with the word for the emotion beneath the picture.  This will help reinforce the concepts of emotions in your child so she will be able to express herself verbally rather than through uncontrollable outbursts. 
        Children who are able to express their sadness, pain, resentment and other problems in words are less in need of acting out inappropriately to get their feelings understood.  When they express their problems verbally, you need to be there empathetically to listen and respond with compassion.  No one likes to reveal a problem that their having to someone and in turn have the person brush them off or belittle the problem as irrelevant.  This only breeds resentment. It is important that your child receives the emotional support she needs during times of distress if you want to encourage her to avoid losing control of her emotions.













Tip# 7
Teach Solutions

Your five-year-old son has just had a meltdown.  He wanted you to take him with you to his older brother’s basketball practice.   You refused because it was after school and you knew he needed a nap because he’d been up late last night.  Little sleep equals a short temper for your little one.
        And that’s just what he had—a short temper.  He started his rampage of kicking the door against the wall and flailing like he was in a pool swimming backwards.
        How can a mother who wants to give up hitting and shouting control this type of behavior?  The first thing to understand is that children are going through a learning process.  They must be taught how to behave.  This doesn’t mean you simply let them know their behavior is unacceptable. It also involves showing and explaining to them other ways to actually solve their problem.
        Some children take longer than others to learn how to control themselves.  This is where patience comes in on the parent’s part.  When a child seems to be unresponsive to suggested solutions to his problem, don’t give up.  Continue directing him.
        A significant aid in showing your child how to handle his upset feelings is by showing alternative ways of solving his problem.  When your child is having a temper tantrum, he is responding to negative feelings such as sadness, anger or blocked opportunities.  Show him how he can resolve or lessen his problem to help himself feel better.
        Let’s go back to the story of the five-year-old who is heated because he can’t go with his mother to his brother’s basketball practice.  Think of solutions he can use to help resolve or lessen his feelings of rejection.
        Explain to him he can go outside and play with his friends since he can’t go to the game.  Tell him he can play the new computer game on the computer.  Tell him to get his clothes out for you to iron so he’ll be ready for you to take him to the next game.  The idea is to help him see there are ways of minimizing the blow of not being able to go with you.
        He may not cease his behavior immediately.  But once you leave the house, your ideas will remain in his mind for some time.  And he will likely take you up on some of the suggestions.
        Another situation might occur with your older son of 12 years whom you’re taking to the basketball practice.  On the way to practice, he’s badgering you again about getting him a new pair of shoes for his basketball games.  He wants an expensive name-brand shoe.  You have a personal preference not to purchase high-priced name-brand items.  You’ve offered him a more reasonably priced pair, but he’s refused them.
        He’s frustrated at your denial and kicks at the seat of the car, says a few inappropriate words and sulks. You respond by calmly announcing his penalty for disrespectful speech.  Then you leave him to his emotions.  This is not the time to come up with alternative solutions.  He must calm down first.
        On your way back from the practice is a better time to help him with solutions. Ask him what does he think about the idea of you putting in $20.00 and he save up the rest by doing extra chores around the house. Then both sources of money could be put together to purchase the specific shoes he wants.  This idea of saving up his own money will go into his repertoire of solutions for the future when he is unable to receive an item that he desires.
        You can also ask your son if he has any suggestions as to how he can solve his problem of not being able to get new shoes.  You’d be surprised at how innovative your children can be when given a chance to express themselves.  Your child will be most eager to use the solutions he’s thought up on his own.  
        We all have and will continue to have situations in which things don’t go as we desire.  When children have ways of solving their problems, they have less need of acting out their frustrations through aggressive outbursts.












Tip # 8
Remember Islam
.
When your child is angry and out of control, it’s possible that Shaitan may be playing a role in his behavior.

Narrated Atiyyah as-Sa'di, (r.a.) AbuWa'il al-Qass said: We entered upon Urwah ibn Muhammad ibn as-Sa'di. A man spoke to him and made him angry. So he stood and performed ablution; he then returned and performed ablution, and said: My father told me on the authority of my grandfather Atiyyah who reported the Apostle of Allah (saw) as saying: Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution. (Hadith - Sunan of Abu Dawood)

                To dispel Shaitan, teach your child certain supplications and ayaat from Quran that the Prophet (saw) has taught us to say. 
        As mentioned earlier, the Prophet (saw) recommended seeking refuge with Allah from Satan, the outcast, when one is angry.  Remind your child to do the same.

Also, keep in mind that certain sections from Quran are known for sending Shaitan away, as well.  According to the following hadith, reciting Ayatul Qursi is a protection from Shaitan:

Abu Huraira (ra) narrated:

Allah’s Messenger ordered me to guard the Zakah revenue of Ramadan. Then someone came to me and started stealing from the foodstuff. I caught him and said:  I will take you to Allah’s Messenger. That person said to me, please don’t take me to Allah’s Messenger, and I will tell you a few words by Allah will benefit you.  When you go to your bed recite ayatul kursi (2: 255) for then there will be a guard from Allah who will protect you all night long. And Satan will not be able to come near you till dawn. When the Holy Prophet heard this story, he said to me: That was Iblis, he told you the truth even though he is a compulsive liar. (Sahih Bukhari Vol. 6 Hadith No. 530)

          In addition to Ayat Al-Khursi, teach your children the three recommended Surahs that should be said at night for protection.
                Aisha (ra) reported that when the Prophet (saw) went to bed every night, he used to cup his hands together and blow over them after reciting Surah Al-Ikhlas, Surah Al-Falaq and Surah An-Nas, and then rub his hands over whatever parts of his body he was able to rub, starting with his head, face and front of his body. He used to do that three times . . . (Sahih Bukhari)

        According to hadith, the best two Surahs for seeking Allah's protection are Surah Al-Falaq and Surah An-Nas. In Sura Al-Nas we seek refuge from Shatian’s whisperings. In Sura Al- Falaq we seek protection from the evil of envy and magic. 

Uqbah ibn Amir (ra) reported that the Messenger of Allah (saw) said: "No seeker of refuge can seek refuge with anything like these two." (Abu Dawud)

        During times when your child is going through one of his raging fits, remember to remind your child to seek help in Allah.  You should also ask Allah to help you to remain patient with your child. Being able to control your own emotions is just as important as teaching your child to manage his. 


Conclusion

        Our Children are a great and special trust from Allah.  Teaching them the countless things they need to know to manage themselves as proper Muslims can sometimes be daunting.  But as Muslims, we stand to the challenge. 
        One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the ability to learn how to be patient during adversity, for Allah has said:
قُلْ يَا عِبَادِ الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمْ لِلَّذِينَ أَحْسَنُوا فِي هَذِهِ الدُّنْيَا حَسَنَةٌ وَأَرْضُ اللَّهِ وَاسِعَةٌ إِنَّمَا يُوَفَّى الصَّابِرُونَ أَجْرَهُم بِغَيْرِ حِسَابٍ
“Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning.” (Quran 39: 10)

        The ability to be patient when experiencing trials is easier to teach to some children than others. For some it may take several years.  For others the teaching process may carry over into adulthood and throughout this period of their lives.  
        The length of teaching is not what is most important.  Achieving the goal is. There is a very touching hadith that goes as such:
A man spends a long time doing the deeds of the people of Paradise and then he ends his deeds with the deeds of the people of the Hell-fire. And a man spends a long time doing the deeds of the people of the Hell-fire and then he ends his deeds with the deeds of the people of Paradise."(Muslim)
        May Allah bless our last deeds to be those that will protect us from the hellfire and cause us to enter Firdaus with no accounts at all.













End Notes

1 United States. Centers for Disease Control and  Prevention,   Sleep and Sleep Disorders, How Much Sleep do I Need? http://www.cdc.gov/sleep/how_much_sleep.htm
2 United States. Centers for Disease Control and  Prevention,   Sleep and Sleep Disorders, How Much Sleep do I Need? http://www.cdc.gov/sleep/how_much_sleep.htm
3 National Sleep Foundation                                                                    http://www.sleepfoundation.org/article/how-sleep-works/how-much-sleep-do-we-really-need
4 Anas (as) reported that the Prophet (saw) said: “Take a nap, for the shayateen do not take naps.” (Reported by al-Tabaraani, Al-Saheehah, 2647).









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        Jazakalakhair



















سُبْحَانَكَ اللَّهُمَّ وَبِحَمْدِكَ أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنْتَ أَسْتَغْفِرُكَ وَأَتُوبُ
إِلَيْك
Glory be to Allah with His praises. Glory be to You, O Allah, with Your praises, I bear witness that there is no God besides You.  I beg Your forgiveness and repent to You.


















سُبْحَانَكَ اللَّهُمَّ وَبِحَمْدِكَ أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنْتَ أَسْتَغْفِرُكَ وَأَتُوبُ
إِلَيْك
Glory be to Allah with His praises. Glory be to You, O Allah, with Your praises, I bear witness that there is no God besides You.  I beg Your forgiveness and repent to You.