Pat-on-the-Back

Pat-on-the-Back

by Grandma Jeddah

One of the easiest things to do that can get your child to behave well is to compliment him for good behavior. It sounds easy but it seems to be one of the most difficult practices for parents to master.  It’s so easy for us to find fault with our children.  But when they behave well, we fail to praise them and show our pleasure. How would you feel if from morning to night you had to listen to constant complaints-- "Don’t do this . . . Don’t do that . . . Didn't I tell you not to . . .  Stop it . . . " You’d probably feel angry, unsure of yourself and agitated. Not to mention you'd frequently pretend not to hear the speaker’s voice.

            When your child is quietly content, playing with his toys or getting along with his younger sibling, you are hesitant to disturb the peace. You are so happy to relax and  take a breather from all  the usual commotion, you tend not to compliment your child to let him know how pleased you are with him for making salat on time,  cleaning his room, not playing ball in the house, or getting along with his brother.  But it’s essential to switch from this pattern if you want to see more of this favored behavior in the future.  So true is the saying--an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

            Pat-on-the-back necessities retraining your thought patterns.  You have to actually look for good deeds and behavior from your child and praise him for it. We all like our efforts acknowledged.  Our kids do too.

            When your son gets off the computer next time without your having to count to three, let him know you appreciate his promptness. When you compliment him, he will feel more inclined toward obeying you next time.  You might also find an improvement in other areas of his behavior as an unexpected side benefit.

Get in the habit of complimenting your child more often.  Have you ever noticed sometimes when you say something nice to someone such as “I like your new outfit,” the listener responds with “Huh?” or ”What?” They appear to be surprised to hear a compliment. They actually heard your words quite clearly, but it’s as if they want you to repeat it so they can relish the moment. Whenever you compliment your child, you will likely get his attention.  Keep this useful tool in mind when trying to correct your child’s behavior.




Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.This is an excerpt from her book, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com

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Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California. Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com

Show your Love

                                               Show your Love

                                               by Grandma Jeddah

There are so many ways you can acknowledge your child. One way the Prophet (saw) did so was by hugging and kissing the young ones in his family.  

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (saw) kissed his grandson Hasan bin `Ali in the presence of Aqra` bin Habis. Thereupon Aqra` remarked: "I have ten children and I have never kissed any one of them.'' The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) cast a glance upon him and said, "He who does not show mercy to others, will not be shown mercy.''
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim].

Cultures have different norms.  But our culture is the religion of Islam. Get in the habit of expressing affection toward your child.  For most mothers, hugging and kissing their children comes naturally. There are situations where mothers may have difficulty showing affection, however.  More on that subject in Secret 3.

            What are the ways you can show affection toward your child?  They are countless. You can show your love by hugging him when he’s brought home a gift for you from school or when he’s shown you high grades on his report card.   Hug and kiss him when you first see him as he hops out of bed in the morning or before he retires for the night in the evening.  When you see him leave for school or go outside to play, give him a hug.  It will go a long way in helping him feel good about himself at school and away from home.  The comfort and stability of a warm hug is reassuring. 

  You know your child better than anyone. Write down ways to let him know you are pleased with him and tape it on the wall above your bed as a reminder--kiss, hug, smile, touch, hold his hand, massage his back, say “I love you.” 



Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.This is an excerpt from her book, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com

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Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California. Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com

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Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California. Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com

Avoid Hitting

                                               Avoid Hitting

                                           by GrandmaJeddah

Because ADHD is a developmental disorder that makes it difficult for your child to exercise self-control, you will find yourself facing situations in which your child exhibits defiant behavior, behaves excessively aggressive, or confronts you with arrogance.  Avoid the easy, habitual response of hitting your child when he opposes your instructions or violates others’ rights.  Spanking can escalate negative behavior in kids with ADHD.  The long term negative effects can be counterproductive.

People look forward to pleasing those who treat them well.  If your friend smacks you and talks to you in a rude manner, would you be inclined to fulfilling her requests?  Not only would you be adverse to it, but it’s highly unlikely you would voluntarily do as she asks unless you were compelled.  And if your “friend” forced you to perform the request, you would be resentful and want to get back at her somehow. Your children are no different.

Your child may disagree with your reasoning regarding an order or request. But, if you make your request in a kind, respectful yet determined way, he is more likely to respond to your instruction.  He is also more likely to do his best at the job. He will be more open to obeying. 

 Parents sometimes hit their children because they are angry or under added stress. Hitting when angry can become a habit. You may begin to view hitting as your primary source of discipline. When hitting is your main or only method of disciplining, it is very easy for you to cross the line from hitting to abusing.

If you’ve already hit your child once for sneaking into the kitchen to get a cookie, what will you do the next time he does it—hit him more times and harder?  This is particularly a problem with special needs children who have problems controlling their impulses and act out often.  These types of children are more likely to receive abusive treatment from their parents because they have more difficulty controlling their own behavior than the average child. 

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.This is an excerpt from her book, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com

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Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 12 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California. Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com

Handling ADHD children

                                                                      

                                                                  Handling ADHD children 

                                                                      by Grandma Jeddah  

            

Because children with ADHD are atypical, they require more maintenance, patience and diligence in parenting than the average child. With an ordinary child you can say do your homework, and your son gets out his book bag, pulls out his notebook, opens it and begins his task.

On the other hand, you might have an eight-year-old Samir. First, Samir is literally climbing the walls. His legs and hands are wedged against his bedroom door frame and he’s working his way to the top to dangle down from it. “Samir, it’s time to get out your homework.”  The words don’t even enter his ears--or so you’d think.  “Samir, get down, it’s time to start your homework.” You tap his bottom to get his attention (OK maybe a little harder than that.)

 “Stop It” he screams.

 “Don’t shout at me; get down from there . . . it’s time to start on your homework.”

            “I’m not doing it.” He jumps down and runs down the hallway. You chase him.  He bumps into his little brother who’s holding a freshly poured cup of milk.  It splatters all over the little one. The little one screams. You’re angry. You feel helpless.  You don't know what else to do. You grab Samir by the ear and whack him a few times across his shoulder and back.

            ”I hate you?” he shouts pulling away from your grip.

             “I don’t care--you have to do your homework.  You grab hold of him again and shake him a couple of times.

            Finally, he falls down to the floor shouting and crying, kicking the wall.

Your eight-year-old son and you have just had another one of your battles.  You retreat to your room, fuming, disenchanted and hopeless.  And guess what?  The homework never gets done.

            The repercussions of loud shouting and hitting for the ADHD child is a backlash of undesirable side effects such as flagrant defiance. The child often behaves violently during episodes of spanking by yelling, kicking, banging, and talking back. In the end you have a vindictive opponent ready to get back at you at the earliest convenience. In addition, after a spree of wild belt swings and relief of pent up anxiety, you often feel guilty for your abrasive response. Excessive leniency may follow which is not conducive to effectively disciplining your child.

Trained professionals working with children having ADHD, strongly advise parents to educate themselves on how to parent their child more effectively.   Suggested tips on training your child with ADHD are to --

  Reinforce appropriate behavior

  Focus on effort in addition to accomplishments

  Make sure your instructions are understood

  Maintain a daily schedule

  Be consistent with consequences

  Remain calm during disciplining

  Be aware that spanking can escalate negative behavior with strong willed children

 Offer support when needed

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.This is an excerpt from her book, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com