Mother has problem yelling at kids (By: Grandma Jeddah)

20.  Mother has problem yelling at kids

Truth be told, I need real help. I am a mother of 2. My son is 6 and always talking back. He makes me mad and I yell when he doesn’t listen. Then I tap his back to make him. He is such a good boy when he is told nicely. Yes, I know it’s me . . . but I feel so much stress on my shoulders—housework, the kids screaming.  I’m always told to use the behavior chart—I did that. It never works. My 3-year-old follows whatever my older son tells her to do. And I can’t get my 6-year-old to do his homework. Please tell me where I am going wrong and I will do anything to fix it. Which book would you advise me to buy? I want anything that works.

First, I’d like to say that you are probably doing a better job than you realize. Parenting can truly be challenging at times. None of us is perfect. I sense that you are making much effort in trying to be the best mother you can.

You mentioned that your son responds well when he is spoken to nicely. This suggests that at times you make an effort to manage his behavior in a calmer manner. This is something you can build upon, insha’Allah. Whenever you respond to your son in this manner, think about what the circumstances were that led you to act in this way. Try to create more situations like that so that you can get in the habit of responding to your son in this manner. You can even develop an incentive chart for yourself and reward yourself when you get 10 stars for managing your son’s behavior in a positive way. Then buy yourself something special, watch an interesting documentary, purchase a good book to read, or go somewhere special. Mothers need incentives sometimes, too. (smile)

Likewise, when you notice yourself responding to your son in ways that you dislike, once the situation has passed, think about how and why the situation led you to respond in such a way. Notice what triggers led you to want to respond this way. Let these triggers (child is whining, you didn’t get enough rest the night before, you drank too much caffeine lately, etc.) be your warning signals. Be extra conscious of your behavior at these times. Make a lot of dua asking Allah to help you to maintain your composure; seek refuge in Allah from Shaitan; take a few deep breaths before reacting; retreat to your room. Think of other ways you can calm yourself down before responding to your son. Patience is something that we learn over time and through practice, Insha’Allah.

You mentioned that the star chart system doesn’t work with your son. I would suggest using the behavior chart once again. Often times caregivers aren’t consistent with the system. This can lead to its lack of success. Also, sometimes caregivers neglect other aspects of parenting that must be in place prior to or along with using behavior charts. Some of these prerequisites are ensuring you are giving your child sufficient affection and attention. In addition, make sure you are setting a proper example for your child to model after.

When children see parents reacting with impatience to frustrating situations the children sometimes imitate this manner of coping.

Another important factor is to make sure you affirm your son’s good behavior more often. When we’re angry, we tend to focus more on our child’s improper behavior and disregard their proper conduct.

There could certainly be other factors that can contribute to a star chart system not working as well. These might include a child having severe behavioral problems, but your letter doesn’t seem to suggest this, and Allahu Alim.

You mentioned that house work and day-to-day responsibilities were overwhelming at times. No doubt about it . . .  our daily responsibilities can become burdensome. If your spouse isn’t opposed, perhaps you can allow yourself a break every now and then. What I mean by this is you could minimize the importance of a tidy house, long-cooked meals or whatever else that seems to take up a lot of your time and make you frustrated. Maybe you could use paper plates and cups once a week so you don’t have to wash dishes. You could decide that the house doesn’t have to be properly maintained at all times.

Also, make sure you are taking the time to relax. If you enjoy reading books, writing, crocheting or whatever, be sure to take time to enjoy these things periodically. They help calm your mind and replenish your energy.  And, of course, try listening to or reading Quran regularly. It’s a reminder of what we are here for and an encouragement for us to persevere.

Here are a few links you might find useful. And please continue visiting Grandma Jeddah’s website and blog as I think you will find much information from them that will be helpful for you, insha’Allah. Also, remember to make dua often, asking Allah to help you with your problems.

http://grandmajeddah.blogspot.com/2012/12/becoming-patient-parent-mothers-notebook.html

http://grandmajeddah.blogspot.com/2012/12/mercy-in-muslim-family-muslim-family.html

http://grandmajeddah.blogspot.com/2012/10/is-your-child-attention-seeking-or.html

http://grandmajeddah.blogspot.com/2012/02/love-praise-encouragement-nouman-ali.html

http://grandmajeddah.blogspot.com/2012/08/catch-your-child-being-good-from.html

http://grandmajeddah.blogspot.com/2012/11/why-rewards-are-more-effective-than.html

This is an excerpt from Grandma Jeddah's e-book 67 Discipline Pearls for Your Most Challenging Discipline Problems. Order your copy today at www.grandmajeddah.com 

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 16 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California. She has written dozens of articles for Muslim magazines, newspapers and blogs.  She is the author of, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Order her e-books at:  http://www.grandmajeddah.com/

How to Discipline Children the Islamic Way: Limits on Hitting (By Grandma Jeddah)

Excerpt From-- 

How to Discipline Children the Islamic Way

By Grandma Jeddah

Sheikh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen

Sheikh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) has said the following regarding hitting children at 10-years for failure to pray:

Hit only when effective

“The command implies that it is obligatory, but it is limited only to cases where smacking will be beneficial, because sometimes you smack a child but he does not benefit from being smacked, it only makes him scream and cry more and does not serve any benefit. Moreover, what is meant by smacking here is smacking that is not painful, a light smack that serves the purpose and does not cause any harm ⁴.”

So hitting, some scholars explain, is required only when it will achieve the desired result— compliance. If the effect of hitting will lead to more misbehavior rather than obedience, then spanking should be avoided. Because certain children do not respond favorably to hitting, it is to the mother’s benefit that she learn alternative discipline methods that can help encourage her children to comply.

Avoid hitting when angry

Some scholars also state that hitting should be avoided when angry. Most parents have probably experienced an incident or two in which their child’s misconduct infuriated them.  A parent who is angry is more likely to hit her child out of frustration rather than for the purpose of guiding the child to do what is right. Hitting due to frustration, anger, sadness or whatever malady the parent might be experiencing at the time, are not valid reasons to hit your child. We can see the wisdom in the hadith that quotes the Prophet (saw) as saying, “No one should judge between others when he is in a state of anger” (Bukhari).

         

Do not hit the face

As mentioned previously, hitting children in the face is completely forbidden in Islam.  Here are two hadith which clarify the issue of hitting in the face:  According to one hadith the Prophet (saw) said, “When any one of you fights, let him avoid (striking) the face.” (Bukhari)

          According to another hadeeth, narrated by Abu Bakrah and others, a woman committed adultery, and the Prophet (saw) commanded she be stoned to death, and said, ‘Stone her, but avoid the face. (Abu Dawood)

          This hadith clearly tells us that even when punishing someone, the person should not be hit in the face.

Limited number of strikes

Another stipulation regarding hitting is that parents should limit the number of times they hit their child when disciplining him. This limit is no more than10 strikes. Others have limited it to 3 strikes, and Allahu Alim. According to a hadith narrated by Abu Burdah al-Ansaari, he heard the Prophet (saw) say: “No one should be given more than ten lashes of the whip except in the case of one of the hadd punishments prescribed by Allah.” (Bukhari)

          This stipulation is paramount, as it can help minimize chances of hurting or injuring your child when hitting him. 

          Are you now beginning to develop a new and greater understanding regarding the permissibility and parameters of hitting your child when disciplining him?  When disciplining with hitting, you should keep in mind the following conditions:

·        Avoid causing injury

·        Avoid causing pain

·        Avoid harshness

·        Avoid hitting in the face

·        Avoid hitting as a first option

·        Avoid using more than 10 strikes.

·        Avoid using when angry

·        Avoid hitting when child will not respond with proper behavior

Now we will look at the way in which The Prophet (saw) interacted with young children.

Order and read the entire book and view the entire video today, insha'Allah at: http://www.grandmajeddah.com/How-to-Discipline-Children-the-Islamic-Way-Video-e-Book-129.htm

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.She is the author of, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Order her e-books at:  http://www.grandmajeddah.com/

One Scholar's Surprising Opinion on Disciplining Kids for misbehavior

Excerpt From-- 

How to Discipline Children the Islamic Way

By Grandma Jeddah

Common Discipline Views

I’d venture to say most of you reading this book were hit when you were young as a form of discipline. The norm in most societies today, both Muslim and non-Muslim is that hitting your child is necessary in order to raise him up properly. There is a new trend, however, which discourages hitting and encourages other forms of directing children toward proper behavior. This method is slowly penetrating parenting circles and households with children.

Many Muslims question this manner of disciplining. They believe discipline which avoids hitting children is something new from the West and not a part of our Islamic way. But in actuality, Islam promotes a form of upbringing and discipline that encourages alternative ways of correcting your child than hitting.

Why be Concerned with the Issue of Hitting
You may be wondering . . . why is this issue of hitting our children even relevant? It’s relevant because when we discipline our children, we want to make sure we are not transgressing against them. This is an important concern, because in our earnest attempt to correct our children, it’s possible we may be harming them.
Before I proceed further, I want to emphasize that I am not a scholar, so I can’t address this issue from a scholarly standpoint. I am speaking from knowledge

I have obtained from readings and lectures of those more knowledgeable than myself.
To determine what the Islamic way of disciplining is, I will use two sources. First, I will state reputable scholars’ opinions on disciplining children. Second, I will give examples of how the Prophet (saw) behaved around children.

Scholars’ Opinions on Hitting Children

Sheikh Albany

The following was taken from an article in the Saudi Gazette1: Sheikh Muhammad Nasiruddeen Al-Albani (May Allah have mercy on him) was asked if it was permissible for teachers to hit students to discipline them. His reply is an eye-opener for us:

       As far as hitting the face, this is not permissible due to the statement of the Prophet (peace be upon him): “Do not hit the face and do not disfigure.” As for hitting a student in general to discipline, (let’s) mention the statement of the Prophet, “Command your children to pray when they reach the age of seven and hit them if they leave it off when they reach the age of 10, and separate them from each other in the beds. “This Hadith is proof that it is not permissible for those in charge to hit a child, whether student or not, for not obeying commands until he reaches the age of 10. Without doubt, whatever knowledge any teacher wants to impart to his students will not be more important than saying prayer.


      “If the Prophet (peace be upon him) prohibited fathers from hitting their children for not praying, until they reached the age of 10, then with all the more reason, it is not permissible for those other than the father to hit children for something (lesser) than the salah until they reached the age of 10. “Thus, it is not permissible for teachers to beat children even if they did not obey him regarding the salah.

      “I would like to also add that the age of puberty for girls and boys differ tremendously from country to country. I know that in general, in countries of warm climate, the hormones may mature at a faster rate; thus the age of Takleef (duty, obligation to observe precepts of religion) would be reached at an earlier age than it would be in a cold climate. So this rule should not be taken in general, but rather each country should look into this with more details. For example, one should find out if that particular child has reached the age of puberty or not? So the ruling will be decided according to what predominates.”

      The Sheikh was then asked: “What if the child had bad banners?” Sheikh Al-bani replied: “Beating and spanking is not (allowed) at all. Instead the child should be advised. Sometimes words have a greater affect on people than hitting. And sometimes hitting does not help at all; rather it makes them persist in doing that. The best guidance is the guidance of Muhammad (peace be upon him). The child should not be hit as long as he did not reach the age of puberty. Also, from the same hadith mentioned previously, I understand it is wrong for fathers to command their children to pray before they reach the age of seven. This contradicts the command of the Prophet (peace be upon him). It is alright if fathers take their children along with them to mosques for prayers. But as for commanding them, then this is in opposition to the hadith.”

       The Sheikh was again asked: “Sheikh, regarding hitting, sometimes you find students leave their houses and have no manners, even good advice does not benefit them, so does hitting them fall into necessity?” The Sheikh replied: “There is no necessity. Where is the necessity here? Can you comprehend that hitting would benefit when the One who created him (Allah, who revealed to the Prophet) said that [sic] do not hit him until he reaches the age of seven?” [Author’s note: Here when he says the age of 7, it appears to be an error, whereas before he mentioned do not hit until he reaches the age of ten, as mentioned in the hadith. And Allahu Alim.]

       The Saudi Gazette adds a foot note to the article that says: Note: However, when this question was posed to Dr. Saleh As-Saleh in his Paltalk class, “Understanding Islam,” he answered that it is permissible to spank for disciplining children if it is used as a last resort and done gently.”
The above article is an excerpt from the audio lecture “La Qushoor Fil Islam.” You can find the link to the article by going to Google Search and typing in “La Qushoor Fil Islam.”

       This ruling that hitting children under 10-years-old or prior to puberty is not allowed, given by Sheikh Albani, is a position that many Muslims are unaware of. The hadith many Muslims often refer to regarding disciplining their children is the same one the Sheikh addressed, directing to teach your children to pray at seven and hit them at ten if they do not pray. This hadith, however, has been used by many parents, teachers, and caregivers as a ticket to strike children at will, with no limitations.

        The error of this thinking will become clearer when we discuss the issue of hitting further, with examples of the way the Prophet (saw) behaved around children. With these illustrations, you will begin to see that Sheikh Albani’s point about no hitting is quite relevant and vital for many parents who want to ensure they are disciplining their children properly, Islamically.

Order and read the entire book and view the entire video today, insha'Allah at: http://www.grandmajeddah.com/How-to-Discipline-Children-the-Islamic-Way-Video-e-Book-129.htm

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.She is the author of, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Order her e-books at:  http://www.grandmajeddah.com/

Can Passion to Guide Your Children Lead to Abuse? By Grandma Jeddah

Excerpt From-- 

How to Discipline Children the Islamic Way

By Grandma Jeddah

Introduction

This book is for Muslim parents who are concerned about raising their children up as good Muslims. It was written for these parents, but its intent is not to present what they should teach their children. The purpose of this book is to offer parents an awareness of the manner in which they should guide their children toward virtuous lifestyles. It’s for those parents who want to guide their children to what’s right but also want to direct in ways that have been encouraged in our religion. These parents wish to avoid instructing in ways that are contrary to our religion.

 Many Muslim parents today (converts as well as those born into Islam) discipline their children according to their family’s cultural traditions rather than Islamic culture. Some of these traditional methods may be appropriate Islamically--others may not.   Muslims are generally fervent in wanting their children to grow up as obedient and God fearing Muslims. Sometimes this passion can lead to excesses and even transgressions when disciplining. One of the most common present day customary methods of training children is the use of corporal punishment.

 

Few or no Resources

When I first became Muslim, I was one of those parents who used physical discipline on a regular basis. I had only my family background to use as a reference point when raising my children.

There were no English Islamic books written at the time which provided New Muslim parents with Islamically based methods of child discipline . . . at least none that I knew of.

          And when I observed those around me, I noticed that some Muslim parents found little hesitation in slapping their children in the face. Calling children derogatory names wasn’t off the list either. So as a new Muslim convert, to me, my methods of disciplining my children seemed normal and not contrary to Islam.

Alhamdullilah, presently, a host of Islamic books, articles, lectures, aswell as websites and blogs offer Muslim parents guidance as to how we as Muslims should direct our children toward proper behavior. These teachings explain that the Quran and our Prophet Muhammad (saw) discouraged harsh discipline, hitting in the face, and the use of disparaging remarks when correcting children.

Things have changed greatly, by the Mercy of Allah, from those decades eons ago when I began raising my family. There is an abundance of parenting information on the negative effectives of being excessively harsh when disciplining our children from both Islamic as well as secular sources.  

This book, How to Discipline Children the Islamic Way introduces parents to some of the Islamic references that suggest the manner in which we should instruct our children. It raises parents’ awareness to the possibility that many of the methods they may be using to manage their child’s behavior may be a result of cultural habit, rather than religious instruction. There are many examples from the Prophet’s (saw) manner of correcting that guide us to the conclusion that when disciplining our children, we should be patient, kind and gentle.

I’m sure many of you are thinking about the hadith that mentions hitting your children at 10 if they don’t pray.  Don’t worry— we will discuss that later in the book, Insha’Allah. Many parents might also be wondering—how do you raise a child without hitting him. That is somewhat beyond the scope of this book. However, suffice it to say there are loads of ways to correct children without hitting and shouting at them. You can find over 25 ways to discipline your child without hitting or shouting in my e-book Discipline without Disrespecting:; Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child—And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It. www.grandmajeddah.com

May Allah bless us all to use teaching methods that are most pleasing to Him, when raising our children to be good Muslims.

Order and read the entire book and view the entire video today, insha'Allah at: http://www.grandmajeddah.com/How-to-Discipline-Children-the-Islamic-Way-Video-e-Book-129.htm

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.She is the author of, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Order her e-books at:  http://www.grandmajeddah.com/

How to Discipline Your Child the Islamic Way? By: Grandma Jeddah

Have you ever wondered--How to Discipline Your Child the Islamic Way?
Here is a start in the right direction, insha'Allah:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEJEvu3ZYnc

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.She is the author of, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Order her e-books at:  http://www.grandmajeddah.com/

Does Spanking Make Kids More Compliant?

Does Spanking Make Kids More Compliant?

Find out here what some studies show:

http://www.wral.com/study-spanking-doesn-t-make-kids-more-compliant-alternative-discipline-tips/15676970/

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.She is the author of, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Order her e-book or Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://shop.grandmajeddah.com/  and  http://www.grandmajeddah.com/subscribe-page.html

Reasons not to Hit Your Child (Islamic Life)

Reasons not to Hit Your Child (Islamic Life)
http://www.islamiclife.com/child_rising/2014/reasons_not_to_hit_your_child_i.php

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.She is the author of, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Order her e-book or Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://shop.grandmajeddah.com/  and  http://www.grandmajeddah.com/subscribe-page.html

The Islamic View on Smacking (From: Effective Islamic Parenting, By: Mustapha, Himi)

The Islamic View on Smacking (From: Effective Islamic Parenting, By: Mustapha, Himi)
http://www.effectiveislamicparenting.com/2012/10/the-islamic-view-on-smacking-children/

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.She is the author of, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Order her e-book or Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://shop.grandmajeddah.com/  and  http://www.grandmajeddah.com/subscribe-page.html