Islam and Discipline of Children

Islam and Discipline of Children

                                                                     By Grandma Jeddah

Anas Ibn Maalik said, “I served the Prophet (SAW) for ten years, and he never hit me, insulted me, or frowned in my face.” (Muslim)

What’s all this talk about raising your child without hitting?  This is not our way, you might say.  After all, there is a hadith that says at age 10 if your child doesn’t pray then hit him.¹  And there‘s another hadith reported by Ibn Abaas that says to hang your belt where the members of the household can see it, for that will discipline them.²

            But have you heard about the position some of the well known scholars and educators have taken on the position of hitting kids, in light of the above ahaadith?  To find the answers, you might have to dig deep and search hard for the understanding.

The information that is profusely presented to most parents is that you should hit your child for misbehavior or you’ll spoil and ruin him. This is how most of us were probably raised. But is there a basis for this concept in Islam?  Is it based upon The Quran, sunnah or the ways of the Sahaba?  Or, is it simply a cultural habit that has been passed down from generation to generation among both Muslims and non-Muslims alike.

Some scholars, such as Sheikh Albaani (ra), have said that it is completely forbidden to hit your children if they are under the age of 10 or haven’t reached puberty.  During one of the Sheikh’s lectures a listener asked the following question about hitting:

“. . . regarding hitting, sometimes you find students leave their houses and have no manners, even good advice does not benefit them, so does hitting them fall into necessity?”

Sheikh Albaani (ra) replied, “There is no necessity.  Where is the necessity here?  Can you comprehend that hitting would benefit when the One who created him said, do not hit him until he reaches the age of seven [ten]?”

Sheikh Albaani (ra) then continued, “There is no hitting, no hitting at all.  Rather there is directing, advising and speech.  Sometimes words have a greater [e]affect on people than hitting.  In addition, hitting with some people does not help at all; rather it makes them continue on what they’re upon more and more.  What is important is that the best of all guidance is the guidance of Muhammad; may peace and blessings be upon Him. Thus, the child is not to be hit so long that he did not reach the age of puberty.³

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.This is an excerpt from her book, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com

Peaceful Parenting: from Aha Parenting

Peaceful Parenting: from Aha Parenting
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/Peaceful_Parenting

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California. Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com

A Muslim Parent

A Muslim Parent (zawaj.com)
http://www.zawaj.com/articles/muslim_parent.html

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California. Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com

One Scholars view of "Hit them when they are 10 if they don't pray"

The following was taken from an article in the Saudi Gazette¹: Sheikh Muhammad Nasiruddeen Al-Albani (May Allah have mercy on him) was asked if it was permissible for teachers to hit students to discipline them. His reply is an eye-opener for us:

          As far as hitting the face, this is not permissible due to the statement of the Prophet (peace be upon him): “Do not hit the face and do not disfigure.” As for hitting a student in general to discipline, (let’s) mention the statement of the Prophet, “Command your children to pray when they reach the age of seven and hit them if they leave it off when they reach the age of 10, and separate them from each other in the beds.
          “This Hadith is proof that it is not permissible for those in charge to hit a child, whether student or not, for not obeying commands until he reaches the age of 10. Without doubt, whatever knowledge any teacher wants to impart to his students will not be more important than saying prayer.
          “If the Prophet (peace be upon him) prohibited fathers from hitting their children for not praying, until they reached the age of 10, then with all the more reason, it is not permissible for those other than the father to hit children for something (lesser) than the salah until they reached the age of 10.
          “Thus, it is not permissible for teachers to beat children even if they did not obey him regarding the salah.

http://www.saudigazette.com.sa/index.cfm?method=home.regcon&contentID=2009012828000

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.This is an excerpt from her book, How to Discipline Children the Islamic Way.  Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com

Islamic Way of Parenting

 Islamic Way of Parenting (Islam44.net)
http://www.islam44.net/2011/07/islamic-way-of-parenting.html


Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California. Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com

Calm, Cool and Collected

Calm, Cool and Collected

By Grandma Jeddah

“So be patient with gracious patience."  (Quran 70: 5)

Make things easy for the people, and do not make it difficult for them, and make them calm with glad tidings and do not repulse them. (Bukhari)

There are several reasons why you should remain calm when disciplining your child. One reason is because you want to develop a loving relationship with her.   A child that feels loved and respected is more inclined to want to please his parents. This makes things easier for the parent in her role of parenting. You are your child’s primary teacher. You don’t want to lose that connection between you and your child.  Even though your child will go through periods in which peer pressure reigns, your child will still be open to your suggestions if you have an understanding relationship. This helps you continue exercising your influence into the period of adolescence and beyond.

            Another reason to maintain your composure when disciplining  is because when you become angry when correcting your child, rather than emphasizing that you want him to behave, you are instilling in your child that he has the power to control your emotions. Let us say your child is angry because you're not letting him play his Play Station for three days because he neglected to complete his homework three days in a row during the week. He is angry and vindictive. Even if he has to sit in his room for 30 minutes, it’s worth it if he can ruffle your feathers and make you feel the frustration and pain he’s feeling right now for missing out on his games.

Remaining calm also shows your child that being rude and saying hurtful remarks are not the way to solve his problem.  For some high-spirited children, your anger and shouting are likely to escalate and intensify the child’s resistance and encourage a battle of wills.  He is likely to start a tantrum or other aggressive behavior that you feel helpless to control. Usually when you feel helpless and at a loss as to what you should do with your child, you tend to resort back to what you're comfortable and familiar with—hitting.  Controlling your anger can stop this power struggle before it starts in the first place.

Remaining calm shows your child you’re in control--you have the reigns. The strong-willed child needs to know you’re the director of him. This actually helps him feel more secure. He wants to know what his limits are, and he wants to be guided. 

Narrated Abu Hurairah: The Prophet (saw) counseled a man who asked for his advice and told him three times “Don’t get angry.” (Bukhari Vol 8 no. 137)

Sometimes parents themselves need to calm down and deal with their own feelings first before they attempt to handle the behavior of their child.  If you are in a bad mood or your child has done something that really ticks you off, do not immediately react.  Take a breather.  Go to your room for a few seconds—or minutes.  Count to ten.  The Prophet (saw) counseled not to get angry.   He also recommended that when you are angry you should sit down.  If you’re already sitting, then lie down. ³¹  Don’t act upon your anger.  Be still until you have calmed down.  You will be in a healthier state of mind to make the proper decisions for both you and your child.

When your child observes your actions during your episodes of frustration and anger, he learns from you.  If you tend to become physically violent with him when you’re angry, your child will learn this as acceptable behavior.  If you rant, curse and shout, he will learn this as acceptable behavior during his periods of anger, too.  You are his role model, his teacher.  Your actions are what he will emulate.

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.This is an excerpt from her book, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com

Mothers and Daughters

Mothers and Daughters (happymuslimah.com)
http://www.happymuslimah.com/2008/05/mothers-and-daughters.html


Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California. Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com