Be Your Child’s Advocate
Parents
of children with cognitive disabilities must be their child’s advocate. They
must be able to overlook negative comments made by friends, relatives, neighbors
and shop keepers who suggest your child is spoiled, bad, or ill mannered. Just as some people take longer to learn to
swim, read, or perform other tasks, your child with a cognitive disability or
learning disability might need extra time to learn manners and other social norms.
Your child might talk to herself or
make bizarre sounds while in waiting rooms, grocery store lines or other public
places. This might be your child’s way
of calming herself down. It takes a
strong parent to side with her child when others deem the parent’s response as
poor parenting. Some parents choose to explain their child’s behavior to others
nearby who are offended by the child’s seemingly awkward mannerisms. In such
cases something such as the following might be stated: “Excuse me but my child
has special needs and she speaks to herself in unfamiliar surroundings as a
calming mechanism.” Some parents have printed business cards with similar
messages on them to distribute to outsiders in public who show scorn toward their
child’s behavior. And of course other
parents simply prefer to remain silent and ignore the derisive stares and
remarks.
However you choose to deal with outside
encounters, be aware that your child is a distinctive individual deserving of
respect, in spite of her peculiar tendencies. Make it clear to your child that
you are ready, willing and able to assist her in coping with her disability.
Older Kids Learn from Mistakes
When
your 16-year-old daughter who has a cognitive disability spills her milk for
the fourth day in a row while pouring it, or repeatedly spills the beads on the
bracelet she is making, or slips when running down the steps, try to see these
incidents as learning situations. Your
child will eventually learn there is a more proper way of holding the milk
container and cup to prevent the spills.
She will learn a better way to bead her bracelet so that the beads don’t
continue to slip off. She will learn to
slow down on the steps when she’s in a hurry. You will need to show her, on
occasion, how to do things more suitably, but after a few instructions leave
the rest to her.
Letting go and allowing your older child with a
cognitive disability to learn from mistakes can be difficult, but it can be
helpful for your child and result in less management and direction on your part
. . . which means a bit of added ease for you.
Provide your child the opportunity to make
mistakes. Making mistakes offers her a chance to learn. How should I do this again next time? What did I do that caused this to happen? Your child learns naturally due to her
actions.
You don’t want to be too pushy or take over the
reins if your child isn’t managing her affairs sufficiently. Learning from mistakes is one effective way
your child can learn and consequently change her behavior. Your child will learn to be more self
confident when she makes mistakes and has the chance to alter her actions
accordingly to avoid errors in the future.
This pattern of learning helps her feel in control of herself and lets
her know she has the ability to change for the better. Achieving these small successes leads to
self-satisfaction. Asking "Would
you like any help?" is a constructive way to determine if your child needs
your assistance without being overly domineering.
Some behaviors and actions are not misbehavior,
they may simply be mistakes. Misplacing a house key repeatedly, spilling food,
forgetting to do a chore. Let your child know that making mistakes does not
mean she’s bad, stupid or incapable. Let her know that mistakes are OK to make.
Everyone makes them. When you make a mistake, let your child see you fix it. If
you hurt someone's feelings, apologize.
If you forget about a planned event between the two of you, show remorse
rather than arrogance—let your child know you're disappointed about forgetting
your get-together date and you'll make it up, Insha’Allah. This will help her to
learn that a mistake does not mean failure. If your child makes a mistake,
allow her to correct it.
View mishaps as learning opportunities for your
child. Try overlooking the accidents and clumsiness. In many
situations, trial and error is one of the best ways for your older child
with a cognitive disability to learn life skills.
Children with cognitive disabilities take longer
to master certain abilities than the average child. Although they may take longer to master
certain skills others their age may have mastered years ago, they still have
the potential to learn. This is important
to remember when your child repeatedly has episodes of clumsiness or other
accidents. Many children with cognitive
disabilities have poorer dexterity and motor skills than others their age. This makes it difficult for them to do things
one would think they should have little or no difficulty accomplishing.
If your child constantly spills drinks or drops
food when preparing it, realize that it will take time for your child to
improve in these areas. But with constant practice and your patience, your
child should get better with activities she’s involved in.
