You Hurt Me

You Hurt Me

by Grandma Jeddah

Abû Hurayrah (ra) reported that Prophet Muhammad (saw) said:

"Indeed Allâh is gentle and loves gentleness, and gives due to gentleness that which He does not give to harshness." (Muslim)

One of the most difficult situations for parents to handle calmly is when their children use words or actions that hurt their feelings.  Although parents do not cause children to behave in a vengeful manner, they can influence a child to misbehave this way.

One of the ways you can lead your child to act resentfully is by being disrespectful to him.  Shouting, calling him names, embarrassing him, or hurting him physically not only builds bitterness, it counters a positive relationship between you and your child.  This breakdown in the relationship is frequently seen during the adolescent years.

 When kids get older, in particular during adolescence and early adulthood, hitting is not a reasonable option.  A mother may have been able to control her young child with such measures due to the mother’s greater size and superior intellect.  These assets shift during the child’s adolescent and young adult years.  Children at this age are just as big as or bigger than their parents.  And their ability to reason intellectually soars during this time period.  Children at this age may refuse to accept being physically hit or spoken to brusquely.  The repercussions are a contentious environment and an indignant child who is less willing to obey. This rebellion is not only expressed toward family members but can also be seen in aversion and lack of obedience to religious instruction, as well.

Narrated Anas: Make things easy for the people, and do not make it difficult for them, and make them calm with glad tidings, and do not make people adverse. (Bukhari, Muslim)

فَبِمَا رَحْمَةٍ مِنَ اللَّهِ لِنْتَ لَهُمْ ۖ وَلَوْ كُنْتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ الْقَلْبِ لَانْفَضُّوا مِنْ حَوْلِكَ ۖ

It is part of the mercy of Allah that you deal gently with them. If you were severe or hardhearted, they would have broken away from you . . .  (Quran 3: 159)

Your child is more willing to cooperate with you even when it’s against his wishes when you two have a respectful, understanding and cooperative relationship.  In Dr. Michael Poplin’s book Taming the Spirited Child he mentions that in one of his counseling sessions with an older teenager, he had to explain to the young man that he knew how difficult it was for the young man to do what he knows is right when that action is the same as what his parents wanted him to do. This aversion to obeying parents when hurt by them can be very strong in children. Knowing this can help direct parents in managing their child's behavior.  Instead of venting your anger through vicious strikes and belligerent tirades, remain calm and civil when correcting your child.  Some parents believe that a hard approach such as forcing their child into submission will achieve their goal. But often the opposite is true.  Force builds aversion which breaks down reception of information as well as communication.  It also leads to resistance that can lead to conflict.  Whenever possible, parents should make things easy for their children. When your child is content with you, he is more inclined to be content with the religion you have raised him with.

It is related that 'Umar said: 'Do not make people dislike Allah, by making the salah so long that it should become hard on those praying behind you." ⁶

It is reported that the Prophet (saw) said: Allah did not send me to be harsh or cause harm, but he sent me to teach and make things easy. (Muslim)

Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.This is an excerpt from her book, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It.  Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com