7 Must-Have Values Every Parent Should Teach Their Child – To Raise a
Firm Believer
Is my child
going to be a good Muslim?
Will she put
hijab on when she grows up?
Can I trust
him with a cell phone at the age of ten?
I doing my
job as a parent? Should I go back home?
What if….
How will I… What’s the best way to…
All of the
above thoughts and questions come to the mind of a concerned Muslim parent.
When a couple decides to have a baby, they know that having a child is a
blessing but the magnitude of the challenge as a parent does not cross their
mind at all.
To answer
all of these questions and more will require a course to cover every little
detail, but that is not the point of this post. As a mature man and woman, you
know that life comes with lots of excitement and challenges. And if you had to
write a book or even a cheat sheet for someone who is about to come into this
world, there is no way you would be able to cover everything in a few pages.
You would have to write an encyclopedia and that would still not be sufficient.
Parenting is
one of those areas of your life that requires a lot of attention as it is about
fulfilling the responsibility that was given to you by your creator. After
discussing this with many fathers and mothers of different generations, there
are some core values that we need to make sure we equip our children with.
We will be
taking a brief look at 7 core values which, if they are tightened up and not
left loose, will enable you to raise a sound and firm believer. We need a
generation that can bring change and add value to our society. As you are
reading about each of these seven core values, you’ll be asking yourself, what
can I do to instill this value in my child? My advice is to ask yourself, do I
have the nuts and bolts of this value tightened up? Because if you forget about
yourself and only concentrate on your child, it would be a bigger loss as you
and your child are going to come alone on the Day of Judgment in front of
Allah.
This is not
an overnight solution, but if you are looking for a way to bring change to
yourself, your children, family, and society around you, then read on. Let’s
get started!
1-
CONFIDENCE
Seek Honor
in Islam Umar ibn Al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him, left on a journey
to Syria and with him was Abu Ubaida. They came upon a creek, so Umar
dismounted from his camel, took off his sandals and placed them over his
shoulder, and then led the camel over the creek. Abu Ubaida said, “O commander
of the faithful, are you doing this? You have taken off your sandals and placed
them on your back and you led the camel through the creek yourself. I do not
think it will be easy for me to get the people of this country to honor you.”
Umar said, “If only someone else had said this, O Abu Ubaida! I have made this
a deterrent for the nation of Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him.
Verily, we were a disgraceful people and Allah honored us with Islam, so if we
seek honor from other than Islam, then Allah will humiliate us.”
We tend to
skip our daily prayers or even Friday prayers because we are worried we’ll get
fired from our job. We will call ourselves Abe instead of Abdullah because we
are shy to have a name that is not common in society. Sometimes we don’t wear
hijab or grow a beard, knowing it is from our religion, because we are afraid
that the guy or girl that we want to get married to might leave us if we
associate ourselves with such “backwards” traditions. As a Slave who is trying
to please Allah, we should be seeking honor in Islam and not in anything else,
like the way our role model Umar bin Al-Khattab advised us. This value is
important for us to instill in our kids so they are not seeking recognition in
any other way. But remember, if they are seeing you as a hypocritical
personality, where you tend to be Abdullah at the masjid and Abe when meeting
neighbors, this could have a negative impact on your child’s personality. One
of our goals as parents should be to not give mixed messages to our children.
Otherwise, they’ll seek honor and attention somewhere else.
2-
RESPONSIBLE
Blame and
excuses are the hallmarks of an unsuccessful life. In some of our Muslim
cultures, and I can speak for myself, from a South Asian community, if
something goes wrong in our lives, we blame our Chacha and Phupo (Uncle and
Aunt) for doing black magic on us!
One
responsibility that we have as a parent is to have our kids take responsibility
for their actions. I will emphasize the point that we need to practice this
ourselves. If our kids see father doing something wrong, but he never takes
responsibility for it, then they will also have the trait of blaming everything
on others.
It is a
pattern in the lives of unsuccessful people to blame others and not take
responsibility for their own actions. This type of attitude forces you to look
at your life as a failure because you allowed yourself to be blown here and
there, by any passing wind. And, you blamed the wind for how things turned out.
If you start
taking responsibility for your own actions, you’ll start to do something about
it. In fact, that is the mindset of an idol worshipper; one who doesn’t want to
submit to Allah and make a change, so he or she turns to an idol hoping it will
talk to Allah for his or her shortcomings.
It is enough
for us to know what will happen on the Day of Judgment. Allah tells us in the
Quran:
“And
Shaitan (Satan) will say when the matter has been decided: ‘Verily, Allah
promised you a promise of truth. And I too promised you, but I betrayed you. I
had no authority over you except that I called you, and you responded to me. So
blame me not, but blame yourselves. I cannot help you, nor can you help me. I
deny your former act in associating me (Satan) as a partner with Allah (by
obeying me in the life of the world). Verily, there is a painful torment for
the Zaalimoon (polytheists and wrongdoers).’ ” (Quran, Ibraaheem: 22)
So start taking responsibility for
your own actions. Otherwise you’ll find yourself blaming others all of your
life for your own laziness and shortcomings, while even Shaitan is telling us,
“Don’t blame me, but blame yourselves.”
3-
OPTIMISTIC
The
Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Allah the Most High said, ‘I am as
My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he
mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly,
I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s
length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go
to him at speed.’ ”
Positive thinking is a
great quality of any human being. In order to be stress-free and be more
effective, you’ll have to start thinking positively. Positive thinking doesn’t
mean that you ignore life’s less pleasant situations. It means that your
attitude towards unpleasant situations will be more positive and you’ll deal with
them in a more productive way. You think the best is going to happen, not the
worst.
There is a negative
attitude that has spread across the Muslim world. If we have trouble finding a
job, we will blame society around us for being racist. If someone is going
through hard times, we’ll assume Allah is punishing them because they are bad
Muslims.
Allah is teaching us that
we should always expect the best of Allah, meaning he will have mercy on you
and will relieve you of hardship. He will forgive you if you seek forgiveness,
will accept your repentance if you repent, will answer you if you supplicate,
and will suffice you if you ask for something. We should call upon Allah while
we are certain that we will be answered by him.
The mindset for us, and for
our children, must be to fulfill his or her obligations while he or she is
certain that Allah will accept his actions and forgive his sins and make his
matters easier for him. So, whoever performs such a deed and believes and
expects that Allah will not accept it and that it will not benefit him, this is
despair from the Mercy of Allah, and is from the greatest of the major sins.
Most people assume the
worst. Most people believe that they are deprived of their rights, have bad
luck, deserve more than what Allah gave them, and it is as if they are saying:
‘My Lord has wronged me and deprived me of what I deserve,’ and his soul bears
witness to this while his tongue denies it and refuses to openly state this. So
ask yourself, are you protected from this type of mindset? This type of
attitude is very destructive and we should try our best to keep our children
from negativity and always think positive in all situations.
‘Abdullah bin Mas’ud
(radi Allahu anhu) said: “By the One besides Who none is worthy of worship, the
believer is not given anything good better than his good expectations of Allah,
and by the One besides Who none is worthy of worship, no servant of Allah
expects good of Him except that Allah gives him what he expected, since all
good is in His Hand.”
4-
FAITH
When the
word “slave” is heard, immediately Muslims think about Guantanamo Bay or some
Indians building tall structures for the Arab world! But have you thought about
the time when you learned the first pillar of Islam which says, “I bear witness
that there is no one worthy of worship except Allah and I bear witness that
Prophet Muhammad is his SLAVE and his messenger.”
If you pray
five times a day, this phrase is repeated twice in each prayer. Let’s define
what a slave truly is. In a nutshell, a slave is someone who does whatever his
master tells him. He works for him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He doesn’t
take time off or ask for compensation from his master. An employee, on the
other hand, works for his or her employer, takes time off on weekends, takes
vacation days, demands a salary, and can quit if he finds a better employer who
will pay him more. A slave on the other hand can only be freed at his master’s
will. A slave doesn’t own any property and doesn’t plan for himself.
It is an
honor that Allah created us and gave us the opportunity to serve him as his
slave. We can be a slave of Allah or a slave of his creation. We can write on
and on about the topic of slavery in Islam, but always know that you are living
your life according to the terms of your master. Your part is to find out what
he wants from his righteous slaves. That can only be done by following his
guidance from his book and the messengers he sent down. If we can correct this
concept in our minds, life will be a lot easier, happier, and more satisfying.
We will always be grateful for what our master has given us. And if he takes
something away from us, we as slaves will know that it wasn’t ours to begin
with, and if our Master has taken it away from us, then he is the one who
created us and knows what is best for us.
A slave
always gives his best to please his master, whatever the circumstances may be. If you want to raise a firm believer who is dedicated to
bringing change in society, then you need to mold him or her to have the
mindset of a slave; a slave of the creator of the heavens and the earth and not
a slave of this world.
5-
STRENGTH
A strong believer is better and is
more lovable to Allah than a weak believer – Prophet Muhammad
This might
be hard for me to say but I am sure you wouldn’t disagree – Most of our
religious leadership is not even close to following this hadith. That is why it
is not mentioned much in our seminars, sermons, and conferences. In fact I
would argue, most of them are not just of descent or of average strength, but
are victims of the lifestyle disease of obesity.
Our goal is
to be closer to Allah and Prophet Muhammad is teaching us to be a strong
person. We tend to look for easier ways such as attending conferences and
reading the Quran, but it’s is much harder to gain physical strength.
It’ll
require us to change our whole life; what activities we do, spending thirty
minutes to an hour out of our day to exercise, and eating right, which would
mean controlling our habits during iftaars and wedding parties.
As parents,
we need to make sure that we have a culture of active lifestyle at home. We
revolve our family gatherings around outdoor activities instead of sitting in
front of a screen.
If there is
one quality that a Muslim who wants to bring change must have, it would be
having strength. You can talk all day and make beautiful speeches, but action
requires you to have a body with strength.
For those of
us who were not born in the West and migrated from the Middle East, South Asia,
or any other parts of the world, our hearts are usually attached back home.
We’ll always be talking about how great people were back home and how this
society is so bad, but we also don’t want to leave this society. It’s obvious
that your life is a lot more comfortable here than it was back home. Then why
the double standards–that you will be living in the so called “the land of
Kuffar” and always talk down the society where you live, but you also don’t
want to leave this society and go back home?
Prophets
mentioned in the Quran, when they are calling their nations towards good and
leaving the evil, they address them by saying “Oh My People” – meaning I am
part of you. Don’t you see, I grew up amongst you, you have never seen me doing
anything wrong. I am always thinking good for you. I am a prophet, so listen to
me because I want to see good for you – “Oh My People.”
If you want
change in society and you have been living here and know that this is home for
you and your future generations, then start thinking like you are a part of the
society. The only way you’ll be able to bring change to “Your People” is if you
start considering yourself as one of them.
You cannot
be a leader when you believe that you are an outsider. Wherever you live, have
a mindset of leadership and encourage your kids to have a sense of leadership
in their role as well. Always look for opportunities to make the lives of
people around you better. That is what true leadership is about and our
children must learn this attitude.
7- ACTION
When we
consider ourselves spiritual and being the “men of God,” we think we need to
become monks who sit on their prayer rug and prayer beads and do
dhikar/remembrance of Allah. All of that is fine as long as you are spending
your time making sure you have done your part. It is one thing to put your
trust in Allah, but as long as you have tied your camel.
This term
comes from a story where a companion of Prophet Muhammad left his camel without
tying it. Prophet Muhammad asked him, “Why don’t you tie down your camel” – The
man said, “I put my trust in Allah”; to which Prophet Muhammad responded, “Tie
your camel first, then put your trust in Allah.”
The meaning
of this story is that we need to do our part first and then put our reliance in
Allah. Part of our faith is to know and teach our children to trust Allah in
every situation. But we need to do our part and our children must know that.
They should not be spoon-fed everything and they should take ownership of their
matters as they mature in age.
We need to
study for our test, and then put our trust in Allah to pass. We need to take
the pill, and then put our trust in Allah to cure us. We need to work out and
eat healthy, and then put our trust in Allah to give us health and strength. We
need to work hard, make a living, spend in Allah’s cause, and then put our
trust in Allah to eliminate poverty. We need to buckle up and drive safely, and
then put our trust in Allah to keep us safe. I think we get the point! Let’s
move on…
Haroon Malik is a father of three
children and happily married for over 11 years. Haroon had the opportunity to
lead AlMaghrib Institute’s Windsor tribe; attend the first batch of 10-month
Bayyinah Institute’s Arabic intensive program; and lead multiple outreach
campaigns for GainPeace (ICNA’s outreach) of billboards, buses, and booths. Since
early college days, Haroon has been counseling youth from tweens, teenagers to
University students. By profession, Haroon Malik comes from a Financial
Reporting background and currently resides in Detroit, Michigan.
He is the founder of Camp Salam which
is an organization whose mission is to bring a fun and active environment for
families to get together and to empower them with strategies and tools for
mastering and living life fully; everything from how to be motivated, change
your mindset, being healthy and physically fit, being happy and productive, time management,
cultivating relationships, spirituality, and much more! He strives to be a
strong believer in making continual progress in each area of his life, to have
lasting growth, and a strong relationship with Allah.
Camp Salam is an environment where
you will learn confidence, leadership, and how to contribute to your community.
Camp Salam is mainly targeted for families and young children. We believe in
empowering you with the motivation and skills to stay physically fit, teaching
you love for healthy food, nature and the outdoors, while connecting with our
creator - all amidst the fun of camp fires, fitness boot camps, educational
activities, sports, and meaningful relationships.
Salam Seminars which offers online
courses and webinars related to topics of Family and Parenting, is a project of
Camp Salam.
