You Hurt Me
by Grandma Jeddah
Abû Hurayrah (ra) reported that
Prophet Muhammad (saw) said:
"Indeed
Allâh is gentle and loves gentleness, and gives due to gentleness that which He
does not give to harshness." (Muslim)
One of
the most difficult situations for parents to handle calmly is when their
children use words or actions that hurt their feelings. Although parents do not cause children to
behave in a vengeful manner, they can influence a child to misbehave this way.
One
of the ways you can lead your child to act resentfully is by being
disrespectful to him. Shouting, calling
him names, embarrassing him, or hurting him physically not only builds
bitterness, it counters a positive relationship between you and your
child. This breakdown in the
relationship is frequently seen during the adolescent years.
When kids get older, in particular during
adolescence and early adulthood, hitting is not a reasonable option. A mother may have been able to control her
young child with such measures due to the mother’s greater size and superior
intellect. These assets shift during the
child’s adolescent and young adult years.
Children at this age are just as big as or bigger than their parents. And their ability to reason intellectually
soars during this time period. Children
at this age may refuse to accept being physically hit or spoken to
brusquely. The repercussions are a
contentious environment and an indignant child who is less willing to obey. This
rebellion is not only expressed toward family members but can also be seen in
aversion and lack of obedience to religious instruction, as well.
Narrated Anas: Make things easy for the people, and do not make
it difficult for them, and make them calm with glad tidings, and do not make
people adverse. (Bukhari, Muslim)
فَبِمَا
رَحْمَةٍ مِنَ اللَّهِ لِنْتَ لَهُمْ ۖ وَلَوْ كُنْتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ الْقَلْبِ
لَانْفَضُّوا مِنْ حَوْلِكَ ۖ
It is part of the mercy of Allah that you deal gently with them. If you
were severe or hardhearted, they would have broken away from you . . . (Quran 3:
159)
Your
child is more willing to cooperate with you even when it’s against his wishes
when you two have a respectful, understanding and cooperative
relationship. In Dr. Michael Poplin’s book
Taming the Spirited Child he mentions
that in one of his counseling sessions with an older teenager, he had to
explain to the young man that he knew how difficult it was for the young man to
do what he knows is right when that action is the same as what his parents wanted
him to do. This aversion to obeying parents when hurt by them can be very
strong in children. Knowing this can help direct parents in managing their
child's behavior. Instead of venting
your anger through vicious strikes and belligerent tirades, remain calm and
civil when correcting your child. Some
parents believe that a hard approach such as forcing their child into
submission will achieve their goal. But often the opposite is true. Force builds aversion which breaks down
reception of information as well as communication. It also leads to resistance that can lead to
conflict. Whenever possible, parents
should make things easy for their children. When your child is content with
you, he is more inclined to be content with the religion you have raised him
with.
It is related that 'Umar said: 'Do not make people
dislike Allah, by making the salah so long that it should become hard on those
praying behind you." 6
It is reported
that the Prophet (saw) said: Allah did not send me to be harsh or cause harm, but
he sent me to teach and make things easy. (Muslim)
Grandma Jeddah is the mother of 11 children and 13 grandchildren. She has taught hundreds of students for over 30 years at an Islamic school in Los Angeles, California.This is an excerpt from her book, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child--And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It. Subscribe to her free newsletter at --http://www.grandmajeddah.com
